Hanbange 3.0 - (C) Breadu Soft 2008

번역한 이 : "7월 21일"
luvloveluv@naver.com
(2010.01)

 

마음껏 배포하시되
수정은 하지 말아주세요

 

번역 지적이나 기타 질문은
메일로 해주시길 =)

 

아 아,
마이크 시험중

 

어차피 크레딧은
아무도 관심 없으니까

 

"영화 크레딧도
비지니스라고"

 

"영화 시작할때
넣어야돼, 그래야.."

 

어쨌든,

 

이제 여러분이
보실 영화는

 

'거짓말'이 존재하지
않는 세상의 이야깁니다

 

겉으론 별다를게
없어보이죠?

 

사람들은 일하고
자가용을 몰고

 

집에서 가족과
함께 살아가지만

 

모두가 오직
진실만을 얘기합니다

 

사기꾼이나 소설 따윈
상상할수조차 없죠

 

머리에 떠오르는
그대로 말하는거예요

 

그래서 타인에게
상처를 줄때도 있지만

 

어쩌겠어요,
그렇게 타고 태어난걸

 

오늘 출근 안할겁니다

 

아뇨, 아픈게 아니라
당신네들 싫어서요

 

어머, 애가 꼭
쥐새끼같이 생겼네요

 

방금 내생에 최고로
큰 똥을 싸고왔어요!

 

뭐드시고 싶으세요?

 

그러니 이친구처럼
뚱뚱하고 키작은 루저에겐

 

참고로 이름은
'마크 벨리슨'이구요,

 

얼마나 고달픈
세상일지 아시겠죠?

 

하지만 나중엔
그의 운명이 바뀝니다

 

세상에서 처음으로
거짓말을 하게되면서요

 

그러나 아직은
꿈에도 모르겠죠

 

기대하셔도 좋습니다

 

거짓말의 발명 (2009)

 

'나는 할수 있다'

 

안녕하세요

 

일찍오셨네요

 

자위좀 하고있었는데

 

당신의 그곳을
상상하게 되네요

 

안녕하세요
'마크'입니다

 

조금 짜증나려 해요

 

데이트할 생각하니
암담해지구요

 

그렇군요

 

전 '애나'예요
들어오시죠

 

요기서 기다리시구요

 

외출 준비는
끝내야 하니까

 

글고 이번엔
방해하지 마세요

 

하던거 마저
해야할것 같아요

 

일찍왔다고 죄책감
느껴보긴 처음이네요

 

네, 일찍 오시다니
실망이예요

 

그쪽과의 데이트도
결코 기대 안되구요

 

하지만 홀로
늙어죽을 생각하면

 

저나 저희 엄마나
끔찍하니까요

 

그렇군요

 

자위하시나봐요
갑자기 너무 조용한데요

 

하긴, 아까
방해말라고 하셨으니..

 

레스토랑을 맘에
안들어하실것 같네요

 

그래도 최대한
비싼데로 고른건데..

 

이제 40줄에
접어들었지만

 

모아둔 돈은
하나도 없구요

 

사장은 이번주에
절 짜를거라네요

 

- 자위하고 왔어요
- 저까지 흥분되네요

 

데이트 끝나면
섹스하고 싶네요

 

그쪽은 전혀
제 타입 아니예요

 

가시죠?

 

네

 

- 먼저 가세요
- 감사합니다

 

옛날엔 이렇게
후지지 않았는데..

 

무슨 얘기로
시간 때울까요?

 

어서오세요,
인상이 안좋으시네요

 

'마크 벨리슨'으로
예약했는데요

 

이쪽으로 오세요

 

고마워요

 

감사합니다

 

질떨어지는
레스토랑이네요

 

이런데서 일해서
쪽팔리기 그지없네요

 

- 안녕하세요
- 안녕하십니까

 

- 안녕하세요
- 아름다우세요

 

그래서 더
쪽팔리네요

 

스타터로 음료
주문하시겠습니까?

 

- 네
- 버드와이저 하나요

 

전 망고 마가리타요

 

세 잔쯤 더
마실지도 모르지만

 

- 동생분 되십니까?
- 아니요

 

- 따님?
- 아닌데요

 

그렇다면
어처구니가 없군요

 

이만 가보시죠

 

질문좀 해도 될까요?

 

네

 

평소에 어떻게
생활하시는지..

 

아침 8시에 일어나요

 

알람시계가 절 깨우니까요

 

그럼 손을 그쪽으로
가져가서 끄구요

 

생생한 묘사가
참 재미있네요

 

- 더 궁금하신 거라도?
- 글쎄요..

 

- 직업은?
- 회사원이예요

 

- 직급이?
- 간부요

 

- 만족하시나요?
- 아뇨

 

하지만 회사에서
제게 주는건 만족하죠

 

돈이요

 

그걸 쓰는시간
또한 즐겁구요

 

예를들면, 쇼핑하고
여행하고 술먹고..

 

결코 유익한
시간은 아니지만요

 

일안하고 돈만
펑펑 쓰는게 꿈이예요

 

그렇군요

 

자기소개좀 더
해주세요

 

벌써 많이 했잖아요

 

보다시피 제가
이쁜건 아실테구요

 

사회적 지위도
대강 눈치채셨겠죠

 

제 아파트와
이 옷들 보시면서요

 

지금 웃고있으니
행복한것도 아시겠죠

 

- 항상 행복하신가요?
- 아닐때도 있죠

 

가끔은 종일 누워
먹고 울기도하죠

 

- 여기요
- 고마워요

 

여기 입대고 조금
마셨으니 참고하세요

 

주문하실래요?
시간 더 드려요?

 

지금 할게요

 

치킨 시저샐러드요
전 뚱뚱하지만

 

맛있는걸 먹을
자격이 있으니까요

 

지난번에 먹었던
생선 타코로 할게요

 

아는게 그것 뿐이라..

 

주문 잘받았구요

 

제 번호 드릴테니
전화해주실래요?

 

싫은데요

 

엄마 전화네요

 

데이트 확인차
전화하신 걸거예요

 

여보세요

 

네, 지금 같이 있어요

 

아뇨, 못생겼어요
돈도 못벌구요

 

뭐, 어쩔수 없죠
유머는 있어보여요

 

좀 뚱뚱하구

 

들창코가 좀 웃겨요

 

무슨 두꺼비마냥..

 

네, 맞는말이긴
합니다만..

 

아뇨, 당연히
같이 안잘거예요

 

키스조차
하고싶지 않아요

 

네, 끊을게요

 

죄송해요

 

괜찮아요, 궁금증은
다 풀리셨대요?

 

- 그러실거예요
- 다행이네요, 참..

 

오늘 데이트
정말 즐거웠어요

 

주선자때문에 억지로
나오신거겠지만요

 

절 또 만나고싶진
않으시겠지만..

 

생각보단 즐거웠어요

 

물론 술깨면 생각이
달라질수도 있겠죠

 

- 그럼요
- 네

 

내일 술깨면
연락주세요

 

생각해보구요

 

볼에 키스해줘서
고마워요

 

안 내키시면
굳이 안하셔도 됐..

 

정말 아름다우세요!
좋은 꿈 꾸시구요!

 

4천여년전 켈트족이
발명한 것을 시초로

 

19세기부터 본격적인
발전을 거듭했습니다

 

저는 코카콜라 사의
대변인 '밥'입니다

 

앞으로도 코카콜라를
계속 사주십시오

 

콜라는 이미
국민음료지만

 

빠른 시일내로 또
구매 부탁드립니다

 

알고보면 갈색
설탕물에 불과하죠

 

성분도 몇년째
거의 그대로구요

 

따라서 광고할건
딱히 없습니다만

 

캔 디자인에 약간의
변화를 줬습니다

 

보시다시피 색감이
좀 바뀌었구요

 

어린이들의 관심을 끌
흰 곰도 그려넣었죠

 

콜라는 당분을
다량 함유하고있어

 

남녀노소 상관없이
비만의 원인이 됩니다

 

코카콜라가 유명한건
누구나 다 알죠

 

그러니 계속 사드시길
부탁하는 바입니다

 

이상입니다

 

좀 달군

 

감사합니다

 

잠시만요

 

- 마크, 잘지냈어요?
- 별로요

 

몇년동안 짝사랑한
여자랑 소개팅을 했는데

 

나를 다신
안만나줄 것 같아요

 

게다가 오늘 회사에서
짤릴것같구요, 그쪽은요?

 

저도 별로예요

 

어젠 밤 내내
수면제를 토했어요

 

소심해서 치사량까진
못먹겠더라구요..

 

그럼 내일봐요

 

네, 제가 그때까지
살아있다면요

 

- 그렇게 하죠
- 좋은하루 보내세요

 

그쪽도요

 

'왜 나는 노숙자이고
당신은 아닌것인가'

 

다들 제정신이 아냐
우린 동물인데!

 

옷은 왜 입어야하지?
왜들 이렇게 사는거야!

 

왜 세상은 콘크리트로
가득하냐고!

 

난 널 사랑하지
않는데다가

 

너랑 한 침대에서
뒹구는건 정말 끔찍해

 

그말 들으니 니가
더 사랑스러운걸?

 

'펩시 - 코카콜라가
다 떨어졌을 때'

 

들어가기 싫어요
그냥 싫어요..제맘 알죠?

 

'렉처필름'의 모든 영화가
바로 이곳에서 탄생하죠

 

저희 작가들이
역사상 가장 숨가쁘고

 

재밌는 사건들을 찾아
시나리오로 써서

 

유명 성우들이
그것을 읽으면

 

그것이 바로
영화가 되는겁니다

 

그럼 올여름을 강타할
렉처필름의 야심작,

 

그 예고편을
감상하시겠습니다

 

'나폴레옹:
1812년-1813년'

 

'렉처필름'사의
새 영화

 

'브래드 케슬러' 각본
'네이든 골드프레프' 주연

 

'나폴레옹:
1812년-1813년'

 

그래서 나폴레옹은

 

사격병과 포병으로 구성된
7만여 군사를 이끌고

 

러시아를 침공했습니다

 

병과 식량부족으로
위태로웠지만

 

군사들의 사기는
꺾이지 않았습니다

 

바로 그때..

 

아, 여러분

 

저희회사 작가인
'마크 벨리슨'이네요

 

제일 못나가는
작가 중 하나죠

 

들리는 말에 의하면
오늘 해고된다네요

 

그럼 이젠
편집부에 가보실까요?

 

'포크의 발명' 마지막
수정작업 중이랍니다

 

이쪽으로 오시죠

 

좋은 아침이예요, 셸리

 

안녕하세요

 

나같이 잘난여자가
당신같은 무능력자의

 

비서로 일하는것도
참 자원낭비죠

 

메세지라도?

 

해고통보 내릴
용기만 얻으면

 

내려오시겠다고
사장님이 전해달래요

 

용기가 안나도
내일은 꼭 짜를거라네요

 

해고에 관한거말고
다른 메세지는요?

 

해고얘긴 사람들한테
다 해놨거든요

 

그러니 메세지
남길사람도 없겠죠

 

아무도 메세지
안남겼어요

 

네, 앞으론..

 

앞으론 볼일 없을텐데요?

 

메세지 받아두세요
안짤릴수도 있잖아요

 

짤리실게 분명한데요

 

그래도 아직은
안짤렸으니..

 

시간낭비죠

 

아니예요

 

비서의 업무는
메세지를 받아두..

 

그쪽 짤릴거란건
모두가 다 알아요

 

아직은 안짤렸잖아요

 

그러죠, 그래봤자
다들 알지만요

 

들어가볼게요

 

그럼 전 알바몬에서
알바자리 찾아봐드릴게요

 

일이나 하시죠

 

싫은데요!

 

사장님?

 

들어오세요
어디가세요?

 

들어오세요

 

오늘따라 더
우울해보이는구만

 

그래서 더
미안해진다네

 

- 사장님, 제발요
- 마크

 

생각해봐, 14세기는
지루한 시기라고

 

게다가 시나리오는
너무 우울하더군

 

흑사병 얘기잖아요

 

14세기에 흑사병말고
쓸게 뭐가 있겠어요?

 

14세기 파트에서 일하는
자네도 참 안됐지

 

- 어떻게든 재밌게
만들어볼게요 - 마크!

 

그냥 포기하게!

 

14세기에 무슨 사건이
새로 터지겠어?

 

우리 회사의 모토가
뭔지 알잖나

 

대중이 좋아할만한
영화를 만드는것 아닌가

 

속이 좀..

 

내일 다시..

 

- 내일 다시 얘기하겠네
- 글쎄요..

 

면전에서 해고하려니
속이 울렁거리는군

 

근데 내가 이렇게
하루 미루면..

 

헷갈리겠죠,
"해고되는거야 마는거야?"

 

- 자넨 해고야
- 해고라구요, 어쩐지..

 

알겠습니다..

 

마크, 오늘아침에
깨달았어요

 

어젯밤 데이트는
즐거웠지만

 

당신의 외모, 재정사정,
사회적 위치를 생각하면

 

사귀고 싶은맘은
요만큼도 없단걸요

 

아무래도 제가
너무 아깝죠, -애나-

 

해고당한 것땜에
그러세요?

 

방금 어떤 여자가
이메일을 보냈는데..

 

네, 외모 언급부분
공감 백배였어요

 

제 이메일을
읽었어요?!

 

저말고도 다들
읽었는데요, 뭐

 

그나마 올해 받은것중
제일 낫던데요

 

저한텐 아니예요

 

과자 먹으러갈래요
좀 드실래요?

 

그럼..

 

당신과 일하는
매 순간이 지옥이였어요

 

그럼 이제
어쩌실거예요?

 

모르겠어요

 

별 희망이 없어보여요

 

저도 동감하지만
행운은 빌어드릴게요

 

- 안녕히가세요, 마크
- 안녕히계세요, 셸리

 

- 마크!
- 그래

 

- 잠시 얘기좀 하지
- 그래

 

- 오늘 짤렸다며
- 그래

 

- 결국은 이렇게 됐군
- 그래

 

자넬 항상 싫어했지만
작별인사 하러왔네

 

- 날 항상..
- 싫어했다고

 

- 몰랐는걸
- 다른사람들은 알지

 

- 그걸 말하고
다녔다고? - 물론

 

결국엔 자네 좋다는
사람들도 없어지더군

 

그래서, 지금
그말하려고 온건가?

 

작별인사하러
왔다고 하지않았나

 

그밖의 말은 그냥
입에서 튀어나온거고

 

'그냥 튀어나왔다',
알겠네

 

흑사병은
영화화될 리 없어

 

자넨 최악의 세기를 맡은
최악의 작가일세

 

게다가 의리도 없지

 

'의리가 없다',

 

항상 불편했다네

 

자네에겐 내가
이해할수없는 면이 있고

 

난 그런것을
못견디기 때문이지

 

자넨 평생 그렇게
패배자로 살거야

 

난 모든 면에서
자네보다 우월할테고

 

그것이 인생이지

 

셸리는 자네더러
'살찐 호모'라더군

 

- 그런적 없는데요
- 고마워요

 

'뚱뚱한 호모새끼'
라고 했죠

 

'살만 뒤룩뒤룩 찐
호모새끼'

 

저렇게 말했다는군

 

'살찐 호모'만으로도
충분히 열받았는데

 

분명한건 자네가
땅딸막한 게이란거야

 

그럼 루저 인생
잘 살아보게나

 

넘 멋있지않아요?

 

아니요

 

당신한테나 그렇겠죠
그럼 안녕히

 

다신 볼일없을
생각하니 신나네요

 

'오갈데없는 늙은이들을
위한 슬픈 곳'

 

할머니, 약 드셔야죠

 

- 안녕하세요
- 부모 버리러 오셨나요?

 

'마사 벨리슨' 씨의
아들 되는데요

 

잘오셨어요
상태가 안좋거든요

 

오늘 작별인사
하시는게 좋을겁니다

 

그건 여기올때마다
맨날 듣는소리죠

 

'곧 갈것같은 환자'
1위에 올라계세요

 

죽은 우리아들이랑
똑닮았구만!

 

살면 살수록
삶이 고달파져

 

난 모든걸 오렌지로
만들어주는 약을 먹는다우!

 

엄마, 너무
우울하잖아요

 

가끔 창밖이라도
보고 그러세요

 

텔레비가 고장났어

 

고장난게 아니예요

 

이상태에서 채널을
돌리면 어떡해요

 

잘 보세요

 

위성방송 켜려면
채널 3을 눌러야죠

 

뭔말인지 하나도
못알아먹겠구나

 

그래서 무섭고 화가 나

 

오늘 짤렸어요 엄마

 

이제 저도 40댄데
가진게 하나 없네요

 

얘야, 난 더
절망적이란다

 

길바닥에 나앉아야
할지도 몰라

 

이 모든걸 바꿀수있다면
얼마나 좋을까요?

 

엄마가 패배자가
아니라면요?

 

난 패배자가 아니란다

 

패배자 맞아요, 엄마
진짜로요

 

우린 집안 대대로
패배자였잖아요

 

엄마 잘못은 아니예요

 

엄만..

 

루저라구요

 

사랑한다, 아들아

 

저도 사랑해요, 엄마

 

일자리 잘 찾아보고,
알겠지?

 

가볼게요

 

조용히해!

 

직장도 없단말야

 

- 안녕하세요
- 월세요

 

그렇잖아도 오늘
말씀드리려 했는데

 

어제 회사에서
짤렸거든요

 

알아요, 그래서
받으러 온겁니다

 

- 돈이 없네요
- 얼마 있는데요?

 

300달러 정도
통장에 있어요

 

- 월세는 800달런데요
- 알죠, 근데 없어요

 

할수없군요, 짐싸서
내일까지 나가주십쇼

 

돈이 없는데 어떻게요?

 

용달차 렌트해서
옮기면 되겠네요

 

무엇을 도와드릴까요?

 

방금 집주인한테
쫓겨나서요

 

이사가려면 통장의 돈
전부 인출해야돼요

 

계좌는 닫아야
할것 같네요

 

길바닥에 나앉겠죠
'마크 벨리슨'이구요

 

죄송합니다만 현재
시스템이 다운되서요

 

복구될때까진 계좌를
못 닫아드립니다만

 

인출은 가능합니다
얼마를 찾으시겠습니까?

 

- 통장잔액 전부요
- 시스템이 다운되서요

 

계좌의 잔액을
말씀해주시겠습니까?

 

고객님?

 

"800달러요"

 

고객님?

 

- 800달러요
- 네?

 

제 통장엔
800달러가 있어요

 

방금 복귀됐네요

 

- 복귀됐나봐요
- 고마워요

 

확인해보겠습니다
800달러 인출하신댔죠?

 

잠시만요

 

300달러밖에
없는걸로 나오는데요

 

800달러 인출하신댔죠?

 

네

 

정중히 사과드립니다

 

시스템 복원과정에서
실수가 있었나보네요

 

800달러 드리겠습니다

 

큰 단위로 드릴까요?

 

- 암거나..100달러 짜리요
- 여기있습니다

 

1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
6, 7, 800달러요

 

더 필요하신것은
없으십니까?

 

불편함을 드려
죄송합니다

 

아뇨! 불편하긴요..

 

- 여긴 웬일로?
- 월세 내러요

 

이럴수가!

 

오늘 난,
인류역사상 최초로

 

무언가 엄청난걸
발견하고야 말았다

 

이는 역사책에 기록되어
후세에 널리 전해질것이다

 

오늘의 그 사건은
나뿐 아니라

 

전 인류에게도
불가사의한 것이다

 

말로는 도저히
설명할수가 없다

 

그러니까 그게
어떤거였냐면..

 

이걸 어떻게 설명하지?

 

난 '무엇'이
아닌걸 말했어

 

난 '무엇'이
아닌걸 말했다고, 그게..

 

'무엇'이 뭐지?
그런말은 없지

 

당연히 없지, 내가
방금 발명했으니까

 

잘봐, 짐!

 

왜?

 

제이름은 '더그'예요

 

- '더그'라고?
- 안녕, 더그

 

네 본명을 여태껏
모르고 살았다니!

 

더그 괜찮다, 어울리네

 

왜들 이래요!

 

내이름이 뭔데!

 

- 더그잖아
- 더그

 

아니란말야!
'마크'라고!

 

- 니이름이 '마크'라고?
- 안녕, 마크

 

하긴 마크가
더 잘어울리네

 

마르코!

 

다들 뭘 모르는군

 

마르코

 

- 난 흑인이야
- 그럴줄 알았어

 

피부색은 밝지만
흑인인걸 알수있지

 

- 흑인친구 사귀는게
꿈이였는데 - 나도

 

난 에스키모다

 

대박인데!

 

흑인 에스키모는
살다살다 처음보네

 

난 해적이다

 

- 아직도 그런게있어?
- 막 사람도 죽이나?

 

난 사자 조련수고
이건 가발이다

 

물릴 생각하면
무섭지않아?

 

가발 잘만들었는데?

 

- 난 자전거를 발명했다
- 정말 고맙다

 

'10-스피드' 모델
할인좀 해주게나

 

난 외팔의
독일 우주탐험가다

 

- 언제 가는데?
- '구텐 탁'!

 

꼭 자네 팔 같군

 

정말 굉장해

 

한번 진지하게
생각들 해봐요

 

세상을 내맘대로
주무를 수 있다면

 

뭘 할것 같아요?

 

진짜 내맘대로
아무거나 할수있다면

 

제일 먼저
뭘 하고싶냐구요

 

아무거나 할수있다면?

 

진짜로 암거나?

 

진짜로 암거나!

 

여자들 가슴 만질거야

 

그렇지!

 

그리고 같이 잘거야

 

그렇지, 그래야지

 

그럼 그렇게 해보죠

 

- 어디가게?
- 밖에

 

쳐다보지 마요
그쪽한테 관심없어요

 

- 제얘기좀 들어보세요
- 됐어요, 다 들어봤어요

 

지금 섹스하지않으면
지구에 종말이 온대요!

 

모텔갈 시간은 있나요?
걍 여기서 할까요?

 

모텔로 가죠

 

'값싼 모텔 -
처음만난 남녀의
성교를 위한 곳'

 

옷좀 벗겨주세요

 

잠시만요, 최소한
통성명은 해야죠

 

안돼요! 종말이 오기전에
빨리 시작해야돼요!

 

전 그쪽 이름도..

 

자라나는 아이들을
생각해봐요!

 

술이나 마시죠
술 드시고싶은..

 

- 맥주 한캔에 10달러!
- 아직도 모르시겠어요?

 

- 우리 다 죽는다구요!
- 이러면 안돼

 

당연히 이러면 안되죠,
세상이 끝나는데!

 

지금 당장
섹스해야만 해요!

 

잠시만요, NASA
관계자 되십니까

 

알려줄게요, 그것참
좋은 소식이네요

 

- 지금요
- 감사합니다

 

종말은 오지않는대요
그러니 우린..

 

- 살았다!
- 섹스할 필요는..

 

살았다!

 

고마워요!
정말 고마워요!

 

- 그럼 가볼게요
- 더 있다가요

 

같이 수많은 역경을
헤쳐나왔는데..

 

내생에 최악의
경험이였어

 

새로운 자전거라도
발명한거야?

 

또 뭐가있을까?
아무거나 할수있다면

 

- 여자 가슴
- 그얘긴 했잖아

 

그담엔 뭐하고싶냐고

 

몰라, 넌 뭐하고싶은데?

 

돈을 가질거야

 

돈을 쓸어모을거야

 

가자

 

- 어딜?
- 머나먼 여정

 

내가 운전할게

 

이러면 안되는데

 

괜찮아, 어차피
밑바닥 인생이니

 

진짜 밑바닥
보게생겼군, 차 대

 

멈추라고

 

말은 내가할게
넌 듣고만있어

 

토할것 같아

 

경찰 앞에서
토하면 안돼

 

토하지 말라고하면
더하고 싶다고

 

안녕하세요, 경관님

 

당신네들이 흑인이
아니라 다행이군요

 

흑인앞에선 더
흥분하게 되더라고

 

예고도 없이
총을 쏴대곤 했지

 

멋진데요

 

- 감옥가기 싫어요
- 감옥가기 싫대요

 

혹시 술마시고
운전하신겁니까?

 

- 네, 많이 마셨죠
- 감옥 가셔야겠군요

 

불어주십시오

 

경관님, 그러지 마세요

 

당신네들 타고있는
차 수준을 봐선

 

나한테 뇌물도
못주겠군요

 

얼만데요?

 

5400달러요

 

비싸네요

 

심한데요,
왜그렇게 비쌉니까?

 

제가 코카인을 하걸랑요

 

뿐만 아니라

 

값을 높이부를수록
당신네들과는 달리

 

큰물에서 노는듯한
기분이 들거든요

 

일종의 자존감
같은거요..네

 

아무쪼록 만나서
반가웠습니다

 

아무쪼록 이것좀
불어주시죠

 

부셔야죠, 빨지 말고

 

결과를 보아하니
확실하군요

 

- 감옥 가셔야겠습니다
내리시죠 - 싫어요

 

한번더 말씀드립니다
차에서 내려주십시오

 

- 내려야겠다
- 그렇게는 못해요

 

더이상은 못참아! 나와!
넌 음주운전했다고!

 

- 쪽팔린줄 알아!
- 경관님, 경관님!

 

- 이러시면 안돼요
- 차에 들어가계십쇼

 

제가 하는말을
잘 들어보세요

 

이친구는
취한게 아니예요

 

제가 엄청난
실수를 범했네요

 

가끔 이럴때가
있어요, 제가 좀..

 

아드레날린이 솟구치고..

 

사실 좀
흥분이 되거든요

 

성적으로요?

 

- 그것 참..
- 정말 죄송합니다

 

손잡아드릴테니
일어나십시오

 

부디 용서해주세요
식중독 걸리신겁니까?

 

- 운전은 그쪽이
하실거죠? - 그래야죠

 

죄송합니다

 

진짜 대박이였어!

 

- 그만좀 웃어라, 토할것 같아
- 괜찮을거야 임마

 

그래

 

- 어디가는데?
- 부자되는 곳

 

여긴 왜? 너 돈이
그렇게 남아나냐?

 

이 돈이 어떻게
되는지 보라고

 

- 행운을 빕니다
- 감사합니다

 

- 안녕하세요
- 안녕하세요

 

칩으로 교환이요

 

오늘 이돈을 다 날릴
가능성이 농후합니다

 

- 알아요
- 혹시나 따신다해도

 

나중엔 저희한테 다
털리게 돼있습니다

 

- 알아요
- 그게 저희 시스템이죠

 

- 머신 돌리는건 특히요
- 알아요

 

- 행운을 빕니다
- 감사합니다

 

- 안녕하세요
- 안녕하세요

 

제가 더 예뻤으면
스트리퍼를 할텐데

 

현실은 시궁창이네요
음료 주문하실래요?

 

맥주 둘, 룰렛 판으로
갖다주세요

 

- 감사합니다
- 미쳤어?

 

룰렛같이 순전히
운빨인 게임은 없다고!

 

괜찮아, 나오늘
운 충만하니까

 

- 그런적 한번도
없었잖아 - 잘 봐

 

베팅 받겠습니다

 

최후의 승자는
언제나 하우스죠

 

이 게임 자체가
수학적으로

 

하우스에 유리하게
설계되어 있으니까요

 

35 블랙이군요
승자는 없습니다

 

난생 처음보는
저것은 무얼까요?

 

금새 사라졌네요

 

근데 제가 35 블랙에
베팅했잖아요

 

승자가 나왔습니다

 

대단하군요!

 

축하드립니다

 

방금 잭팟 터졌는데
돈이 나오질않아요

 

진심으로 사과드립니다

 

앞으론 주의하겠습니다
축하드리구요

 

감사합니다

 

잭팟이 나왔네
금고실 열어놓게나

 

내생에 최고의 밤이야

 

니가 토만 안했어도
더 최고였을텐데

 

그러게말야

 

마크, 기분좀 어때요?

 

좋아요

 

그쪽은요?

 

안녕치 못해요

 

밤새 인터넷을
뒤졌거든요

 

'질식사', 뭐 이런거요

 

오늘밤 실행하려구요

 

그럼..

 

프랭크!

 

네?

 

그러지 말아요

 

왜요?

 

저같은 쓰레기는 죽어도
슬퍼할사람도 없어요

 

제가 있잖아요

 

그쪽도 같은 과라
위로가 안되네요

 

다 괜찮아질거예요

 

그래요?

 

네, 여자친구도
생길거구요

 

행복해질거예요

 

자살하지 말라구요?

 

당연하죠

 

자살하면 안된다구요..

 

저는..

 

질식사가..

 

꽤 괜찮겠다고
생각하고 있었거든요

 

괜찮지 않아요

 

덕분에 밤에
시간이 비네요

 

같이 노실래요?

 

아뇨

 

그럴줄 알았어요
괜찮아요

 

아뇨, 그러죠

 

같이 놀아요
이따 봐요

 

이따 뵐게요

 

잘됐네요

 

여보세요
애나입니다

 

안녕하세요,
저 마크예요

 

안녕하세요,
이메일 못받으셨어요?

 

저한텐 아깝다고한
그 메일이요?

 

바로 그거요

 

받았습니다
감사하구요

 

데이트 신청하려
전화드렸습니다

 

왜요?

 

요즘들어 일이
술술 풀리더라구요

 

축하드리구요!
끊을게요

 

잠깐만요

 

절 만나고싶지 않으신
맘은 이해합니다만

 

전 달라졌어요
예전의 제가 아니라구요

 

성형이라도 하셨나요?

 

아뇨, 절 직접
보면 아실거예요

 

헬스장 다니셨어요?

 

가입은 했지만..아뇨
상황이 달라졌어요

 

절 알아보지도
못하실거예요

 

옷 사셨나요?

 

죄송하지만 한번
만나보는게 어떨까요?

 

저와의 데이트가
나쁘진 않았다면서요

 

시간이 나시면..
부탁이예요

 

아주아주 잠깐의
데이트예요

 

알겠어요

 

감사합니다

 

내일저녁 8시
괜찮으시겠어요?

 

이번이 마지막이란거
알아두시구요

 

알겠습니다

 

안녕히계세요

 

안녕히계세요

 

끊으세요

 

그럼..

 

..'산업혁명'이
개봉합니다

 

안녕하세요,
'앤젤로 배드스미스'입니다

 

여러분,
극장으로 달려가

 

산업혁명 시기의
엄청난 이야기를 들어보세요

 

이시대가 사랑하는
최고의 작가

 

'브래드 케슬러' 각본

 

명실공히 최고의
시나리오 작가죠

 

아니거든?

 

어이!

 

짤려놓고 아직도
미련이 남았나!

 

여러분!

 

흑사병을 영화화하려던
루저가 지나갑니다!

 

어디 잘해봐라, 멍청아!

 

- 들어가시면 안됩니다
- 미팅이 있어서요

 

그럼 들어가십시오

 

나중에 연락드리죠

 

회장님과
통화중이였네

 

여긴 왜왔나?

 

해고당하고 한동안
상심이 컸습니다

 

- 그럴줄 알았네
- 그런데 어느날..

 

동네 밖에서
산책을 하던중

 

사막을 발견하곤
야자수 아래서 잠들었는데

 

인생역전 스토리는
관심없다네

 

일어나보니 모래에
뭔가 묻혀있더군요

 

파헤쳐보니 아주
낡은 상자가 나왔죠

 

진짜 오래된거요
700년 묵은

 

그 안에 이게
들어있었어요

 

그게 뭔가?

 

전대미문의 이야기요

 

언제적 얘기지?

 

14세기요

 

몇번을 말하나, 마크

 

흑사병 영화는
안 만든댔지!

 

흑사병 얘기만
나오는게 아니라구요!

 

이건..제발요
제가 읽어볼게요

 

기대하세요
손장난 그만하시구요

 

기대 많이하셔야돼요

 

인류역사상 최고의
발견이거든요

 

그 역사적인 순간에
함께하시는 겁니다

 

그래서, 영화화할
소지는 있나?

 

렉처필름 사 최고의
영화가 될겁니다

 

읽어보게나

 

14세기의 첫날,
엄청난 사건이 터졌다

 

시작은 여느 날과 같았다
해는 뜨고, 아기들은 울고

 

바빌론의 심장부에
하늘에서 내려온

 

거대한 우주선이
착륙하기 전까진

 

뭐?!

 

전직원 집합시켜
대어 한마리 낚았어!

 

마크, 계속하게

 

닌자들이 거대한
불덩어리를 굴려

 

로봇공룡들로부터
지구와 화성, 그리고

 

아마존의 나체족
여자외계인들을 구했다

 

지구는 무사했다

 

제베다야와 앨리나는
성대한 결혼식을 올렸다

 

이는 인간과 외계인의
최초의 결혼이여서

 

외계인 왕은 돈을
아낌없이 지원했다

 

바빌론과 화성인들
모두가 식에 참석했다

 

화성의 찬란한
여름날이였는데

 

닌자전쟁과 흑사병의
생존자들도 함께했다

 

모두가 한데 어우러져
먹고 마시고 즐겼으며

 

신랑신부가 입을
맞추던 순간에는

 

외계인 왕이
모든 하객들에게

 

기억을 지우는
주문을 걸었다

 

7백여년 후 위대한 작가
마크 벨리슨이

 

어리석은 사장에게
해고당하고

 

멍청한 브래드와
셸리에게 조롱당할 때까지

 

이를 영화화하면
큰 성공을 거두리니

 

마크는 큰 부를 얻고
그이름 영원히 빛나리라

 

영화 제목은
뭘로 하겠나?

 

'흑사병'

 

지금 당장
작업 시작하게나

 

느낌이 심상치않아
대박의 조짐이 보여

 

그렇게 될겁니다

 

명실공히 최고의
시나리오가 될겁니다

 

그럼..

 

시나리오 판매된거
축하드려요

 

- 건배
- 건배

 

가족 얘기해주세요
물어보고싶은게 많네요

 

전 좀 불우한
환경에서 자랐어요

 

아버지는
알콜중독자셨구요

 

안됐네요

 

때문에 가장으로서의
책임을 다하지 못하셨죠

 

결국엔 범죄의 길로
접어드셨어요

 

범죄라면 어떤?

 

주로 가정집을 터셨죠

 

자네가 여긴 웬일인가?

 

월요일 낮이니
집에 없어야지!

 

요즘 스트레스가
이만저만이 아니라

 

일 접고 일찍와서
쉬고있었다네

 

헌데 자네는
여기 웬일인가?

 

댁의 집을
털려던 중이였다네

 

말도 안되는군
결코 좋은생각이 아냐

 

쨌든 자네가 있으니
이쯤에서 접어야겠네

 

내가 지금 무슨생각
하고있는지 아나?

 

경찰을 불러서
자넬 체포할거야

 

난 도망갈걸세, 어차피
내이름도 모르잖나

 

- 이름이 뭔가?
- '리차드 벨리슨'

 

만나서 반갑네

 

둘 중 선택하게나

 

하나, 자네 집으로
경찰을 들인다

 

이웃들의 비웃음을
사며 체포당한다

 

둘, 안으로 들어와
경찰을 기다린다

 

- 기다리겠네
- 그러겠나?

 

그럼 들어오게나
차 한잔 할텐가?

 

그게 좋겠네

 

그렇게 여생을
감옥에서 보내셨죠

 

아빠 얼굴은
기억도 안나요

 

그래도 전 운이
나쁘지만은 않았죠

 

절 이렇게 길러주신
어머니가 계시니까요

 

- 멋지네요
- 대단한 분이세요

 

어디 살고계세요?

 

'늙은이들을 위한 집'에요

 

하지만 내일
모시고 나올거예요

 

대저택을 하나
장만해드리려구요

 

여생을 호화롭게
살다가실수 있겠죠

 

효자시네요

 

- '셰프 추천요리' 나왔습니다
- 감사합니다

 

컨디션이 안좋은지
이상하게도 만들었네요

 

괜찮아보이는데요

 

손님께서
멍청해서 그렇죠

 

생각해봤는데요

 

이제 저도
부와 명예를 얻었으니..

 

진지하게 교제해보는건
어떨까 싶은데요

 

왜요?

 

함께면 행복할테니까요

 

글쎄요, 저도 마크 씨가
싫지는 않아요

 

우리가 결혼해서
아이를 낳는다면

 

절반은 제 유전코드를
가진 우리 아이들을

 

경제적으로 안정된
가정에서 기르고싶어요

 

마크 씨는 좋은 아빠이자
남편이 되겠죠

 

물론이죠

 

하지만 불행하게도
그 아이들은

 

마크 씨의 유전코드 또한
절반을 가지고 있겠죠

 

전 들창코의 뚱뚱보
아이들은 원치않아요

 

그러시겠죠

 

잠시만요

 

여보세요? 전데요

 

뭐라구요?

 

엄마?

 

방금 전화받고 온거예요
무슨 일이예요?

 

의사들 말론 내가
오늘밤 죽을거란다

 

뭐라구요?!

 

안녕하세요
환자분 체크하러왔습니다

 

마사 할머니의
아드님이시군요

 

오늘밤 돌아가실거라니
무슨말입니까?

 

상태가 안좋아요
아깐 심장마비도 왔구요

 

심박이 굉장히 낮아요

 

혈압도 급격히
떨어지고있고

 

오늘밤 한번 더
심장마비가 올겁니다

 

네, 그러다
돌아가시겠죠

 

참고로 오늘밤,

 

병원에서 멕시칸요리
파티가 열립니다

 

어머니 돌아가시면
먹고 즐겨보세요

 

아셨죠?

 

너무 무섭구나, 얘야

 

죽음은 정말
무서운거야

 

방금 전까진 멀쩡했는데

 

눈 깜짝할 사이에
죽어있는거지

 

죽음은 그런거란다

 

몇시간 동안
이러다보면

 

어느샌가 영원한
'무'의 세계에 있겠지

 

간호사!

 

수치가 자꾸 떨어져요

 

정말..정말로 무섭구나

 

엄마..

 

엄마, 들어봐요

 

제말 잘 들어보세요

 

사후세계에 대해
잘못 알고계시는데요

 

영원한 '무'의
세계가 아니예요

 

세상에서 제일 가고싶은
곳으로 가실거예요

 

엄마가 사랑했던 이들이
기다리고 있을거예요

 

엄만 젊어지실거구요

 

젊은 아가씨처럼 뛰고
춤도 추실거예요

 

꼭 엄마 젊었을때처럼요

 

그곳엔 고통도 없구요

 

사랑과..

 

행복만이 가득해요

 

모두에게 대저택이
하나씩 주어질거구요

 

이 모든게 영원할거예요
영원히요, 엄마

 

아빠한테 안부인사
전해주세요

 

제가 많이 사랑한다고도
전해주시구요

 

- 끊지 마세요
- 그다음엔요?

 

엄마

 

나도 죽으면 돌아가신
엄마를 볼수있겠네요

 

더 얘기해주시겠습니까?

 

안녕하세요

 

안녕하세요

 

잠시만요
죄송합니다

 

온다! 저사람이예요!

 

죽으면 가는 곳은
딱 하나입니까?

 

죽은 사람들은
모두다 거기 있을까요?

 

그곳의 이름이 뭡니까?

 

거기사는 사람들과
섹스할 수도 있습니까?

 

쇼핑몰도 있나요?

 

담배는요?
담배펴도 돼요?

 

여보세요

 

사후세계에 대해
아신다면서요

 

어제까지만 해도 그는
무명작가에 불과했습니다

 

그러나 오늘,
사람들은 그가

 

사후세계에 대해
알고있다고 증언합니다

 

이러면 안되는데..

 

죄송해요, 앞에..
실례합니다, 죄송합니다

 

잠시만 실례할게요

 

빨리요

 

들어오세요

 

네

 

제발요, 엄마께
뭐라고 하셨는데요

 

안돼요, 분위기가
심상치 않아요

 

이젠 입닥치고
살거예요, 내가 왜..

 

어찌됐든 저
수많은 인파를 봐요

 

저들을 봐서라도
말하셔야돼요

 

아뇨, 지금 두발로
걸어나가면 끝이예요

 

나미비아로 가면
아무도 날 모르겠죠?

 

저한테만이라도
제발 말해주세요

 

죽는게 두렵다고
온몸을 떠시면서

 

영원한 '무'의 세계로
가기싫다고 하시길래

 

그런게 아니라고
말씀드렸죠

 

이렇게요

 

"영원한 '무'의
세계가 아니라"

 

"세상에서 제일
가고싶던 곳에 가실거고"

 

"친구들과 영원히
행복하실거예요"

 

그렇게 마지막으로
행복하게 해드린거예요

 

이런걸 다
어떻게 아셨어요?

 

글쎄요, 전..

 

저까지 행복한걸요!

 

모두에게 이 말을
전해주셔야만 해요

 

그건 오해예요,
제가 말한것들은..

 

그말듣고 엄마가
행복해하셨다면서요?

 

- 네
- 기분이 어떠셨죠?

 

- 좋았죠
- 그러니 상상해봐요

 

저 수많은 사람들이
행복해지면 어떨까!

 

알겠어요

 

시간이 좀 필요해요

 

꼭 이래야하나요?

 

당연하죠

 

당신의 말이
인류역사를 새로쓸거예요

 

전세계를 뒤흔들
중요한 말이라구요

 

그럼 전 자리
피해드릴게요

 

들어오세요

 

피자를 좀 사왔어

 

대저택이 주어진단말
왜 나한텐 안했냐?

 

- 난..
- 방해하지 말자구요

 

자전거 발명했단
얘기도 안해주더니..

 

글쓰는 데만
집중하게 하자구요..

 

죽마고우한테까지
감쪽같이 숨기다니

 

- 치즈피자 하나랑..
- 맛있겠네요

 

치즈피자 하나 더

 

영국 런던에서
모두가 기다립니다

 

로마에서도,
뉴욕에서도

 

모두가 기다립니다

 

온 세상이
정지한 것만 같군요

 

모두가 TV와
라디오를 켜놓고

 

심지어
이런 풀밭에서도

 

그가 입을 떼는
순간만을 기다립니다

 

안녕하세요

 

다 썼어요

 

준비 되셨나요?

 

그런것 같아요

 

말할 때 받침대가
있으면 좋을텐데

 

아님 종이라도
더 보기 좋았으면..

 

- 이제 좀 낫네요
- 다행이예요

 

그냥..

 

아는건 속시원히
다 말해주세요

 

- 잘해라
- 고마워

 

어제까지만 해도

 

그는 무명작가에
불과했습니다

 

그러나 오늘,
사람들은 그가

 

사후세계에 대해
알고있다고 증언합니다

 

죄송해요

 

아마도..

 

그날 저희엄마께 한
말 때문에

 

모두들 이자리에
계신거라 생각합니다

 

저는 여러분이
죽으면 알게되는

 

굉장히 중요한
몇가지를 알고있습니다

 

그 모든것은

 

이 피자박스에
씌여있구요

 

하나,

 

"하늘엔 만물을 지배하는
남자가 한명 산다"

 

둘,

 

어떻게 생겼나요?

 

키는 크고, 손도 크고
머리숱도 많습니다

 

무슨 인종이죠?

 

전혀 새로운
인종입니다

 

모든 인종의
결합체라고 볼수있죠

 

- 구름 속에 사나요?
- 아니요

 

- 눈에 보입니까?
- 아니요

 

구름보다 훨씬높이
살아서 볼수가 없죠

 

- 우주에 사는군요
- 그정도는 아니구요

 

그럼 열권에 사나요?

 

죄송합니다, 아직
한참 남아서 그러는데..

 

그분은 하늘에 살구요,
보이진 않지만

 

만물을 지배합니다,
됐죠?

 

그럼 둘,

 

"죽으면 영원한
'무'의 세계가 아닌"

 

"굉장히 좋은 곳으로 간다"

 

셋,

 

"모두에게 대저택이
하나씩 주어진다"

 

어떤 대저택인데요?

 

여러분이 생각할수있는
최고의 대저택이요

 

뭐야, 난 폐가
생각하고 있었는데!

 

아닙니다

 

여러분이 생각할수있는
최고의 대저택이라구요

 

지금 당장 머릿속에
있는거 말구요

 

어떤 집을 상상하시든
거기서 사실겁니다

 

네엣,

 

"당신이 사랑하는
이들과 함께할것이다"

 

각자 대저택은
다 갖고있구요?

 

당연하죠, 모두한테
주어진다니까요

 

우리집에 데려와서
살고싶으면 어떡해요?

 

그럼 집 비워놓고
아저씨집에 살러오겠죠

 

그사람들 저택은
어떡하구요?

 

몰라요, 부동산에
광고내겠죠

 

제발.. 다섯,

 

"누구나 아이스크림을
공짜로 먹을수 있다"

 

"하루종일, 당신이
생각하는 아무 맛이나"

 

- 이상한 맛도요?
- 왜 그런맛을 생각해요?

 

아무 맛이나
된다면서요

 

난 방금 바닐라맛에
스컹크냄새 생각했다고!

 

그럼 드시지 말던가요

 

전 설사똥 초콜렛
생각했단말예요

 

안드시면 되잖아요
대체 왜들 이러세요!

 

제발 제말좀..여섯,

 

"나쁜짓을 하는 이는
이곳에 못간다"

 

그럼 어딜 가나요?

 

여러분이 생각할수있는
가장 끔찍한 곳으로요

 

나쁜 짓이라면
뭘 말하나요?

 

중대범죄, 강간,
살인 등등이요

 

- 때리는것도 나쁜건가요?
- 네

 

- 먼저 날 때리면요?
- 그럼 때려도되죠

 

- 욕하는것도 나빠요?
- 아뇨

 

- 회사에 지각하는건요?
- 아뇨, 그건..

 

뭐, 사장한테 걸리면
짤릴수야 있겠지만

 

죽어서 좋은곳에
못갈만큼 나쁜건 아니죠

 

개한테 밥주는걸
깜빡하면요?

 

글쎄, 그럼
개가 불쌍한거죠

 

개가 죽으면 문제겠지만,
고의로 그러진마세요

 

굶어죽는꼴 보려고
개를 사진 마시고..

 

여러분 제발..

 

나쁜짓을 한번만 해도
좋은곳에 못가나요?

 

아뇨

 

세 번의 기회가
주어집니다

 

나쁜짓 세번 하면
아웃이죠

 

야구처럼!

 

뭐 그렇죠,
다른 질문?

 

네!

 

부탁인데 다음으로
넘어가면 안될까요?

 

어떤게 나쁜짓인진
알고 살아야죠!

 

맞아요!

 

알겠습니다

 

바지를 입는것도
나쁜짓입니까?

 

아놔..

 

'두시간 후'

 

아뇨, 헤어스타일은
맘대로 하셔도돼요

 

몇번을 말씀드려야
아시겠어요?

 

남을 막 때리고
물건을 훔치는 등

 

타인이 원하지 않는
행동을 하는거요

 

고의적으로
살인을 한다거나요

 

그럼.. 아홉,

 

"만물을 지배하는
'하늘의 그분'은"

 

"당신이 좋은곳에 갈지
나쁜곳에 갈지를 결정한다"

 

"인간의 생사
또한 결정한다"

 

- 자연재해도
관할하시나요?　- 네

 

- 저희엄마 암걸리게
한것도 그분인가요?　- 네

 

- 내 차에 나무가
쓰러지게한것도?　- 네

 

저희아빠를 심장마비로
돌아가게 하신것도요?

 

네

 

아주 개새끼구만!

 

악마예요!

 

비겁하게 숨어서
나쁜짓이나 하고!

 

왜 우리 앞에선
못한답니까?

 

그새끼가 우릴 다
죽이기전에 해치워야돼요!

 

잠깐만요,
제말 더 들어보세요

 

만물을 지배하는
'하늘의 그분'은요,

 

우리에게 좋은 일
또한 많이 하십니다

 

배가 전복됐을때 날
살려주신분도 그분?

 

- 그렇죠　- 배를
전복시킨것도 그분?

 

네

 

할머니를 죽이고 제게
막대한 유산을 물려준것도?

 

그렇습니다

 

엄마 암 완치시킨것도
그분이겠네요?

 

네

 

어떨땐 착하고
어떨땐 못된새끼네요

 

네, 근데 더
들어보세요

 

열, "'그분'이 당신에게
시련을 준다해도"

 

"당신 사후엔 좋은일만
있게 할것이다"

 

나쁜짓을 많이 한
사람이 아니라면요?

 

- 물론이죠
- 일종의 시험이네요

 

네

 

이상입니다

 

이런걸 어떻게
다 아셨죠?

 

'하늘의 그분'이
말해주셨거든요

 

근데 그동안엔
말 안하고있다가

 

왜 이제서야
말해주셨을까요?

 

까먹고 있었나보죠
바쁜 분인거 아시잖아요

 

감사합니다

 

나 잘한거겠지?

 

"모두에게 대저택이"

 

"NASA의 '하늘의 그분'
탐색 대작전"

 

"착하게 살아야할 이유
드디어 밝혀져"

 

"'하늘의 그분'이
아기들에게 에이즈를

 

"'하늘의 그분'이
쓰나미로 4만여명 살해"

 

"'하늘의 그분' 덕에
104살까지 산 할머니"

 

"근로생산성 14% 감소
사후의 대저택 관심폭발"

 

"올해의 인물
'마크 벨리슨'"

 

건배, 건배, 건배!

 

"마크 벨리슨의 '흑사병'
최고기록 갱신!"

 

"'흑사병', 올해
최고의 영화상 수상!"

 

- 건배
- 건배

 

제가 말했던가요?

 

불타는 건물에서 갓난앨
구출한 적이 있는데

 

곰이 한마리 있었고..

 

불타는 건물에
곰도 있었다구요?

 

네, 건물에서 애기
울음소리가 들리길래

 

위험을 무릅쓰고
용감하게 들어가

 

아기를 데리고
2층에서 뛰어내렸죠

 

아기는 무사했구요
근데 갑자기 곰이..

 

- 어떻게 무사하셨어요?
- 제말 더 들어보세요

 

어떻게 무사히
뛰어내리셨냐구요

 

운동신경
제로이신 분이

 

안전한 곳으로
뛰어내렸거든요

 

그래서..

 

어디로요?

 

잼에요

 

잼 통 안에요,
잼 공장이였거든요

 

곰도 그 냄새에
이끌려왔던거겠죠

 

- 그렇군요
- 말씀 안드렸나요?

 

불타는 건물, 아기,
곰, 잼공장 사건이요

 

아뇨, 첨들어봐요

 

네, 그래서
뛰어내렸더니만

 

큰 곰이 기계들을
먹어치우며 다가와요

 

저 행복한 아저씨같이
생긴 곰이요

 

저기서 디립다 자고있는
뚱뚱한 아저씨요?

 

- 안 행복할걸요
- 왜요?

 

딱 보면 알죠
완전 루저잖아요

 

사람은 겉만 보고는
모르는거예요

 

알고보면 세계 최고의
시인일지도 몰라요

 

솔직히 애나 씨 말대로
진짜 루저같긴 해도

 

제 말은, 저사람이
어떤 사람인진..

 

그럼 저아저씬
어떤사람 같은데요?

 

키작고, 땀흘리는
대머리 아저씨요?

 

- 맞아요
- 안녕하세요!

 

서류가방을 들고
어딜 바삐 가네요

 

중대한 미팅에 가는
길일수도 있어요

 

어쩌면 성공한
사업가일수도 있다구요

 

저보다 사람 보는
눈이 있으시네요

 

그건요,
그럼 이번엔..

 

저 두 남녀는요?

 

모자쓴 두 찐따들?

 

좋아요, 관찰력이
뛰어나시네요

 

하지만, 겉에 보이는
그 이상의 것을 보세요

 

손잡고 있죠,
연인들이예요

 

그럼, 저도요!

 

저에겐 뭐가 보여요?
어떤사람 같아요?

 

예쁘시구요

 

아름다운 미소를
가지고 있어요

 

- 그건 누구나 알죠
- 아직 안끝났어요

 

제가 본 최고로
따뜻한 분이예요

 

그 주근깨도 제가
얼마나 좋아하는데요

 

웃음이 많은 분이고

 

가끔은 종일 누워
먹고 울기도 하지만

 

누군가 괴로워하면
손을 잡아줄줄 아는..

 

제가 아는 한
가장 멋진사람이예요

 

저에겐 뭐가 보이세요?

 

뚱뚱하고
들창코를 가진 남자

 

역시 그럴줄 알았어요

 

현명하구요

 

친절하세요

 

제가 본 최고로
따뜻한 분이시자

 

제가 아는 한
가장 재밌는 분이고

 

같이 있으면
늘 즐거워요

 

남들과는 전혀 다르게
세상을 바라보시고

 

전 그 점이 좋아요

 

제일 친한친구고

 

그 누구보다도 절
행복하게 해주시죠

 

- 근데 왜 안되는거죠?
- 유전 때문에요

 

들창코의 뚱뚱보 아이들..

 

부와 명예도 그런건
못바꾸다니 안됐죠

 

전 당신을 사랑하거든요

 

부와 명예로
유전코드를 바꿀수있나요?

 

아뇨

 

우리 애들은 들창코의
뚱뚱보들일거예요

 

그럼 마크 벨리슨에 대해
얘길 나눠보겠습니다

 

과연 부와 명예를
독식할만 할까요?

 

혹은 '하늘의 그분' 덕에 뜬
뚱뚱한 낙오자일까요?

 

제가 볼땐 뚱뚱한
낙오자 같습니다만

 

답이야 뻔하죠
생긴걸 보세요

 

살은 뒤룩뒤룩 쪄갖고
멍청하게 생겼잖습니까

 

그집 앞에서 텐트치고사는
사람들은 뭡니까?

 

밥먹고 할짓도
더럽게 없나보죠?

 

뭐, 유유상종
아니겠습니까

 

그럼 채널고정!
일기예보 후에 뵙죠

 

"오리들은 알래스카로
날아갔다"라고 쓰세요

 

"그곳에 사는
흰 곰을 만나기위해"

 

- "흰 곰은.."
- 대체 몇병째예요?

 

난 괜찮아요..
"끝"

 

- 결말이 이상한데요
- 그렇죠?

 

이걸 정말
회사에 내라구요?

 

- 네
- 알겠습니다

 

이번주에 촬영
들어가라고 하세요

 

어린이 영화라고도
말해주시구요

 

애들이 좋아하겠죠?

 

운전하는
곰과 오리들 얘기

 

- 뭐예요?
- 생일축하 카드요

 

- 읽어보실래요?
- 고마워요

 

저 오늘밤에
영화보러 못가요

 

- 왜요?
- 데이트가 있거든요

 

누구랑요?

 

- 브래드 케슬러 씨요
- 브래드 케슬러?

 

제가 얼마나 그자식
싫어하는지 알잖아요

 

- 전 아니예요
- 그러시겠죠

 

저한텐 얼마나
친절한데요

 

바다의 상어도
애나씨한텐 친절할걸요!

 

- 진짜요?
- 아니요

 

말하자면 그렇다
이거죠, 근데..

 

- 사귀지 마세요
- 왜요?

 

- 저랑 딱 어울리잖아요
- 그럼 같이 자지마세요

 

- 왜요?
- 진짜 자려고했어요?!

 

제가 같이 안자면

 

브래드 씨는
다른여잘 찾을거고

 

- 전 차일게 분명해요
- 아니예요

 

- 차일거예요
- 아뇨아뇨, 아니라구요

 

이렇게도
생각해보셔야죠

 

만약에 제가 애나 씨랑
데이트한다고 쳐요

 

당신이 브래드 씨처럼
잘생겼다고 치죠

 

네, 글쎄, 그렇다 치면..

 

전 애나 씨에게
흥미를 잃을거예요

 

첫 데이트날부터
저랑 자면요

 

왜냐면 말이죠..

 

그냥 대화만
나누시라구요

 

제말 잘 들으세요
절대로..

 

애나 씨의 매력을
마음껏 발산하세요

 

대화를 통해서요
그럼 그러겠죠,

 

"흥미로운 여자야
또 만나고싶은걸?"

 

절대로..

 

결혼전까진 어느
누구와도 자지마세요

 

법입니다

 

법

 

- 알겠어요
- 좋아요

 

이건 뭐죠?

 

'생일축하 섹스쿠폰'이요

 

'생일축하 섹스쿠폰'이요,
애나 씨랑?

 

그리고 상대는
바로 당신이구요

 

- 죄송해요
- 없던걸로 하죠, 법이..

 

- 아뇨아뇨아뇨
- 우리 결혼 안했잖아요

 

방금전 자기입으로
말했으면서..

 

"결혼전까진 어느
누구와도 자지마세요"

 

제가 그말했죠
근데 쿠폰은 웬일로..

 

- "법입니다"
- 네, 저도알아요

 

그래서 우린..

 

이 쿠폰은 정말..

 

- "법"
- 버리긴 아까운데요

 

- 근데 제말은..
- 유감이네요

 

물론 유감..이죠

 

그래서 이건
무용지물이다..

 

그래서 뭐
갖고싶으세요?

 

애나 씨랑 섹스를
할수가 없네요

 

차라리 양말이나
드리는게 낫겠죠?

 

네, 털양말 쪼가리요
섹스 대신

 

계세요?

 

왔네요

 

여긴 왜
데려온거예요?

 

자기가 오겠다고
하더라구요

 

그랬겠죠, 여기가
내집인거 뻔히 아니까

 

- 애나 씨!
- 정말 잘생기셨어요

 

저도 압니다

 

- 자넨 인간 쓰레기같군
- 그건 자네 생각이고

 

신나게 놀아보죠, 우리

 

- 적당히들 노시길
- 그건 뭔가?

 

'생일축하 섹스쿠폰'이예요

 

- 당신과의?
- 네

 

근데 우리가 결혼안해서
안된다네요

 

- 차라리 양말이 낫겠죠?
- 제가 가져도됩니까?

 

그거 쓰려면
결혼부터 해야되는데요

 

뭐, 결혼하면되죠

 

그러지 말아요,
안돼, 대체..

 

연락할게요!

 

오늘밤을 축하합시다

 

오늘 엄청난
승진을 했거든요

 

1세기 파트의
부장이 됐을뿐아니라

 

18, 19, 20세기
모두를 전담하게됐죠

 

- 좋으시겠어요
- 굉장히 좋죠

 

그렇게 많은 세기를
전담한건 제가 최초죠

 

그것도 제일 인기많은
세기만으로다가

 

마크는 한 세기 이상
맡아본적이 없답니다

 

마크 씨는
'하늘의 그분'이

 

엄청난 얘기를
많이 해주시잖아요

 

그렇지만 저처럼
잘생겼습니까?

 

제 유전코드와 자신감,
카리스마를 갖고있나요?

 

- 아뇨
- 아니죠

 

다른 와인으로
다시 가져오세요

 

이미 코르크가
따져있을뿐 아니라

 

깐깐하고 무게잡는 남자로
보이고싶기 때문이죠

 

알겠습니다

 

주문할 준비가
다 되었군요

 

여자분에겐
스몰 시저샐러드요

 

여자는 뚱뚱하면
보기 싫으니까요

 

전 필레 레어요
왜냐면 비싸고, 맛있고

 

전 소중하니까요

 

알겠습니다

 

말씀은 잘 들었지만
배가 너무고파서요

 

- 치킨 시저샐러드
어떨까요?　- 안돼죠, 안돼

 

언젠간 애나 씨도
미모를 잃을거아닙니까

 

주름 자글자글한
못생긴 할머니..

 

그깟 치킨땜에
외모를 등한시하실래요?

 

그럼 안..되죠

 

엄마가 데이트 확인차
전화하신걸거예요

 

매사에 되게
참견 잘하시거든요

 

제가 받겠습니다

 

아..네

 

애나 씨 어머님?
브래드 케슬러입니다

 

네, 따님이 정말
미인이세요

 

아뇨, 아직
지루하진 않네요

 

짜증나게 구시는군요

 

목소리가 너무
앵앵거리세요, 그럼..

 

죄송해요

 

감사합니다

 

애나 씨와 저는
궁합 잘맞는거 알죠?

 

신체적, 유전적,
사회적, 경제적으로

 

저도 그렇게 생각해요

 

원래 목적은 마크로부터
당신을 뺏는겁니다만

 

그자식 망하는꼴
보면 재밌으니까

 

대체 마크 씨를
왜그렇게 싫어하세요?

 

패배자니까요

 

그자식의 모든것이
내꺼였어야 되는데..

 

근데 그가 가질수
없는게 딱 하나있죠

 

당신이요

 

당신은 분별있는
여성이니까

 

우월한 유전코드를
가진사람과 결혼해

 

이런 아이들을
낳지 않으셔야죠

 

'들창코의 뚱뚱보 아이들'

 

제말이 그말입니다

 

제말도 그말이예요

 

'다 집어쳐, 난
대저택에서 살거다'

 

지혜로우신 '그분'은
우리가 나쁜짓을

 

두번 해도 대저택에서
살수있다고 말씀하셨다!

 

이에 내가 말하노니..

 

대저택에서 너랑
살일은 절대 없을거야

 

니가 날 밀어낼수록
더 끌리는거 몰라?

 

비켜, 이 돼지야!

 

아, 마크 벨리슨 씨
아니세요?

 

맞아요, 사과하시게요?

 

내가 왜요?

 

'펩시 - 사후세계에서도
구매 가능'

 

- 더 마실사람?
- 나

 

저도요

 

고마워요

 

근데 무슨일 있어요?

 

왜, 돈많은 사람은
우울해하면 안돼?

 

너희는 어때,
전보단 행복해졌어?

 

'하늘의 그분'
생각하면 말야

 

- 당연하죠, 형
- 행복의 절정이다

 

너 맨날 외롭다며,
여자친군 생겼어?

 

- 아뇨, 포기했어요
- 왜?

 

죽으면 영원히
행복하게 산다면서요

 

그래서 그것만
기대하는 중이예요

 

영원히 행복한것보다
좋은게 어딨겠어요

 

그렇게 살생각을 하니
정말 행복하죠

 

그때까진 그냥
술이나 퍼마시고

 

방구석에서 혼자놀고
TV나 보며 살려구요

 

행복하기는 커녕
비참한 삶 같은데?

 

아니죠, 술은 죽음을
재촉하잖아요

 

하루빨리 대저택에서
살수 있겠죠

 

내말이 그말이야

 

대단하군

 

평소 '그분'과는
전화통화하십니까?

 

아뇨..바로 지금도
말하고 계세요

 

- 말하고 계시다구요?
- 네

 

뭐라고 하시는지
말씀해주시죠

 

"왜저런 얼간이와
대화하고 있나?"

 

그럼 저는 말하죠,
"전 그저 기회를.."

 

볼게 그렇게 없니?

 

엄마, 돌리지 마세요
저랑 아주 친한친구예요

 

니친구들 다 알지만
저런건 본적이없다!

 

무슨말을 그렇게하세요?

 

'하늘의 그분'과
대화할수 있대봤자

 

니친구가 될 주제는
못된다, 이거야

 

제가 저분을 친구
이상으로 생각하면요?

 

'하늘의 그분'이
노하실게다

 

말이 안되고말고

 

제아무리 '그분'이
선택한 사람일지라도

 

그가 낙오자라는
사실이 어디 가겠니?

 

그 애들 또한
마찬가지일거고

 

- 단순한 낙오자가 아니예요
- 그럼 뭐겠니

 

한번 낙오자는
영원한 낙오자란다

 

그는..

 

똑똑하고, 재치있고
따뜻한 사람이예요

 

절 특별하고 행복한
여자로 만들어주고..

 

사람은 격이 맞는
짝과 함께해야한다

 

이상적인 가정을
함께 꾸려나갈수 있는!

 

'브래드 케슬러'같은
짝 말이다

 

브래드, 잠깐만요

 

전화 받거라
이남잔 놓치면 안돼!

 

여보세요

 

안녕하세요, 브래드 씨

 

보고싶어요, 엄마

 

절 못들으시리란거
알아요

 

대저택에 안 살고
계신것도 알구요

 

엄만 여기 땅속에
계시니까요

 

이런걸 아는사람은
세상에 저밖에 없죠

 

전 요즘
행복하지가 않아요

 

물론 다 제가
벌여놓은 일이지만..

 

사람들은 자신이
진정 원하는것에

 

귀를 기울이지않아요
그래서 슬퍼요

 

역시 전
패배자인가봐요

 

언제나 이대로
혼자겠죠

 

마크..

 

어쩌다
이렇게 되셨어요..

 

들어가도 돼요?

 

- 오랜만이네요
- 그러게요

 

이것저것 너무
바빴거든요

 

전화 여러번 드렸는데
안받으셨잖아요

 

- 저 결혼하는거 아시죠?
- 네

 

그래서 온거예요
청첩장 드리려구요

 

하지 마세요

 

결혼식이 내일이예요

 

부탁이예요
결혼하지 마세요

 

- 오셨으면 해요
- 왜요?

 

그럼 제가
행복할테니까요

 

당신과 함께면
행복하니까요

 

그럼 왜 그자식이랑
결혼하는거죠?

 

제 이상적인 유전적
궁합상대니까요

 

제가 꿈꿔오던 모습의
아이들을 낳을수있겠죠

 

아시잖아요

 

마크 씨, 언젠가는요

 

저도 주름 자글자글하고
못생겨지겠죠

 

아뇨, 그렇지 않아요

 

저에겐 아닐겁니다

 

혼란스럽네요

 

- 이거 받아주세요
- 잘 사세요

 

아이스크림 맛있냐
이 돼지 루저야?

 

그만두지 못해!

 

괜찮아, 신경쓰지 마렴

 

이름이 뭐니?

 

숏다리 돼지
브라이언이요

 

그래, 브라이언

 

넌 그냥 숏다리
돼지가 아니란다

 

그치? 넌 웃는게 예쁜
브라이언이야

 

고맙습니다

 

그렉!

 

미안!

 

조용히좀 해!

 

조용히 하라고!

 

아직 끝난게 아냐, 친구

 

"'하늘의 그분'을
생각하는 조용한 곳"

 

'패배자'

 

우리가 오늘
이자리에 함께한것은

 

브래드와 애나,
두 선남선녀의

 

이 결혼이 상호간에
이익이 될것이며

 

유전학상 우월한
자손을 생산할것이고

 

평생 재정과 심신의
안정을 꾀할것임을

 

선언하고 축하하기
위함입니다

 

브래드, 검은머리
파뿌리 될때까지

 

애나를 사랑하고
책임을 다하겠습니까?

 

네

 

애나, 검은머리
파뿌리 될때까지

 

브래드를 사랑하고
책임을 다하겠습니까?

 

네

 

그럼 이 둘을
부부로 선언하기 전

 

더 좋은 유전적 궁합
상대가 되실 분이라도?

 

저요

 

장난하나, 마크

 

더좋은 궁합이라니!
거울도 안보고 사나?

 

그녀는 저와 있을때
행복하거든요

 

그럼 왜 나와
이자리에 서있겠나?

 

아이들에게 더 우월한
바탕을 주고싶어서지

 

그말이 옳지

 

그럼 자네는
뭘하면되는지 아나?

 

'정자 기증'

 

애나 씨는 내
제일 친한친구야

 

내가 아니라고?

 

지금은 아냐,
나 말좀..

 

그리고 난
그녀를 사랑하네

 

이러지 말아요

 

결혼하지 마세요

 

이게 진정 당신이
원하는겁니까?

 

세상의 이치예요, 마크

 

왜요? 대체
왜그래야 되죠?

 

자네 애들이 내 애들보다
잘날거라고 누가그러나?

 

날렵한 턱선과 근육을
갖고있다고해서..

 

키도 더 크잖아

 

나도 안다고,
제발 그냥..

 

부탁한다 친구야
나 말좀..

 

그런 것들이 아이들과
무슨상관이죠?

 

전 우리 아이들을
사랑할겁니다

 

또 자네가 잘사는
집안 출신이라고해서

 

혹은 우월한 유전자를
갖고있다고해서

 

더 좋은남편이 될거라고
누가 그러나?

 

자네에게 그녀와 애들은
과시용일 뿐이야

 

애나 씨,

 

이게 진정 당신이
원하는거라면, 나갈게요

 

이게 진정 당신이
원하는 건가요?

 

질문의 상대를
잘못 고르신것 같네요

 

- '그분'에게 물어야죠
- 전 신부에게 묻고있습니다

 

'하늘의 그분'에게
물어보지 그래?

 

- 잘 아시겠지
- 이건 그녀가 잘 알아

 

'하늘의 그분' 뜻을
말해드려, 마크

 

그냥 '그분'의 뜻을
말해주시면 안돼요?

 

제발 말해주세요

 

싫어요

 

빨리 안끝나나요?
끝나고 할일 많은데

 

아직 좀 남았..

 

마크, 기다려요!

 

제발 '하늘의 그분'
뜻을 말해주세요

 

- 제가 나쁜짓을 했어요
- 괜찮아요

 

- 세번까진 봐주잖아요
- 그런게 아니예요

 

'하늘의 그분'은 없어요

 

그럼 왜 있다고하셨죠?

 

엄마 돌아가실때
위로해드리려구요

 

그러다보니 일이
이렇게 커졌어요

 

그럼 어떻게 없는걸
있다고 말하실수가?

 

몰라요, 그냥
그렇게 됐어요

 

그럼 부와 명예가
유전코드를

 

바꿀수 있냐고
물어봤을때

 

왜 그렇다고
안하셨어요?

 

그건 중요한게
아니니까요

 

마크 씨,

 

제가 진정
원하는걸 찾았어요

 

들창코의 뚱뚱보
아이들이요

 

우리 이제 함께군요!

 

그래요, 결국
그녀를 얻었어요

 

애나 씨와 저는
매우 행복하답니다

 

아직도 그녀에겐
제 능력이 불가사의래요

 

당연하죠

 

거짓말을 할수있는 사람은
세상에 저 하나니까요

 

사실은, 꼭
그런것도 아니랍니다

 

어때요?

 

맛있겠는데?

 

정말 맛있어요, 엄마

 

- 아주 최고야
- 맛있다니 다행이네요

 

뭐부터 먹어야할지
모를 지경이야

 

빵부터 먹어봐야
할 것 같은데?

 

너 이거 좋아하잖냐
왜 더 안먹니?

 

맛있어 죽겠다는데?

 

각본, 감독
릭키 제바이스 & 매튜 로빈슨

 

릭키 제바이스

 

제니퍼 가너

 

'거짓말의 발명 (2009)'

 

(TAPPING ON MIC)

 

RICKY GERVAIS: Testing. Testing.

 

Testing over the credits.
The credits that no one cares about.

 

"Ooh, we're the business people.

 

"Ooh, we want our credit
before the film starts, 'cause..."

 

Anyway.

 

The story you're about to see
takes place in a world

 

where the human race has never evolved
the ability to tell a lie.

 

This is a typical town in that world.

 

As you can see, people have jobs and cars
and houses and families,

 

but everyone tells the absolute truth.

 

There's no such thing
as deceit or flattery or fiction.

 

People say exactly what they think,

 

and sometimes that can come across
as a bit harsh.

 

But they've got no choice in the matter.
It's their nature.

 

Look, I'm not coming in to work today.

 

No, I'm not sick. I just hate it there.

 

Oh, your baby is so ugly. It's like a little rat.

 

Wow! I just took one of the biggest poops
of my whole life.

 

What are you ordering?

 

GERVAIS: So if you're a chubby,
little loser like this guy, for example,

 

that's Mark Bellison, by the way,

 

then you're all alone
and at the bottom of the pile.

 

But later on in the story,
his luck's gonna change

 

when he tells the world's first lie.

 

He doesn't even know it himself yet.

 

So look forward to that.

 

(EXHALES)

 

Don't blow this.

 

-Hi!
-Hi.

 

You're early.

 

I was just masturbating.

 

That makes me think of your vagina.

 

I'm Mark. How are you?

 

A little frustrated at the moment.

 

Also, equally depressed and pessimistic
about our date tonight.

 

Sure.

 

I'm Anna. Come on in.

 

Um... Just wait there.

 

I need to finish getting ready.

 

While doing that,
I might realise I'm still horny

 

and try to finish masturbating
without you hearing.

 

(CHUCKLES)

 

I feel awkward now about being early.

 

ANNA: Yeah,
I'm disappointed that you're early

 

and not really looking forward
to tonight in general,

 

but the thought of being alone
the rest of my life

 

scares both my mother and me equally.

 

Sure.

 

Oh.

 

I'm thinking you've started masturbating,
'cause it's like it's too quiet.

 

And you said you were gonna
try and do it without me hearing.

 

I'm worried the restaurant I've picked
isn't expensive enough for you.

 

It's all I can afford

 

in my situation.

 

I know I'm in my 40s,

 

but I haven't got any
financial assets to speak of.

 

Also, my boss said
he's probably gonna fire me this week.

 

Wow!

 

I just masturbated.

 

That makes me horny.
I hope this date ends in sex.

 

I don't find you attractive.

 

Oh!

 

Shall we?

 

Yeah.

 

-After you.
-Thanks.

 

(SIGHS)

 

-This is not as nice as I remember it.
-What are we gonna talk about?

 

Hi. I'm threatened by you.

 

Mark Bellison. Table for two.

 

Of course. Come with me.

 

MARK: Thank you.

 

Thank you.

 

-Plastic.
-I'm very embarrassed I work here.

 

-Hi.
-Hi.

 

-Hello.
-And you're very pretty.

 

That only makes this worse.

 

(CLEARS THROAT) Can I get
you two started on some drinks?

 

-ANNA: Yes.
-I'll have a Budweiser, please.

 

I'll have a mango margarita,

 

and I'll probably have three more drinks
by the end of the night.

 

-Your sister?
-No.

 

-Daughter?
-No.

 

She's way out of your league.

 

(STAMMERS)

 

Thank you.

 

Shall I ask you
some questions about yourself?

 

Yes.

 

How do you spend your days?

 

I get up at 8:00 in the morning

 

because the noise from my alarm clock
interrupts my sleep.

 

And I lean over and just turn it off.

 

Turn it off.
That's more specific than I thought.

 

-Oh. What did you want to know?
-Just...

 

-Well, do you have a job?
-I have a job in an office.

 

-What do you do?
-I'm an executive.

 

-Do you enjoy that?
-No.

 

-Oh!
-But I enjoy the end result of the job,

 

which is money.

 

And also the hours are pretty good
for the amount of money I make,

 

which I spend on things I like,
such as clothes and hiking and drinking,

 

even though I know it's bad for me.

 

But I'd rather just get all the money
and not have to work for the results.

 

Oh, sure.

 

Tell me something about you, though.

 

You already know a lot about me.

 

You know I'm good-looking
because, well, here I am.

 

And you know that I'm successful

 

because you've seen my apartment
and the clothes that I'm wearing.

 

And you know I'm happy
because I'm smiling.

 

-Are you always happy?
-Usually.

 

Some days I stay in bed, eating and crying.

 

-There you go.
-Thank you.

 

-I had a little sip of this from right there, so...
-Okay.

 

You guys ready to order
or do you need a moment?

 

I'm good.

 

Oh! I'll have the Caesar salad with chicken
because I think I'm fat,

 

but I also think I deserve
something that tastes good.

 

I'll have the fish tacos
'cause it's what I had last time I was here.

 

It's all I know.

 

Great. I'll get those two started.

 

If I gave you my number, would you call me?

 

No.

 

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

 

Sorry. It's my mom.

 

I think she's probably checking on the date.
It won't take long.

 

Hello.

 

Yes, I'm with him right now.

 

No, not very attractive.
No, doesn't make much money.

 

It's all right, though.
Seems nice. Kind of funny.

 

A bit fat.

 

Has a funny little snub nose.

 

(EXCLAIMS)

 

Kind of like a frog in the facial area.

 

Yeah, but...

 

No, I won't be sleeping with him tonight.

 

No. Probably not even a kiss.

 

Okay. You, too. Bye. Sorry about that.

 

It's all right. Don't think twice.
How is your mum, all right?

 

-She's all right...
-Great. That's...

 

Thanks for going on this date with me.

 

You're way out of my league,
and I know you only did it as a favour to Greg

 

and I'll probably never
hear from you again, but...

 

I had a better time than I thought I'd have.

 

But I won't really know how I feel about you
till I'm a little less drunk.

 

-Sure.
-Yeah.

 

Well, call me tomorrow
if you still like me when you're sober.

 

I might.

 

Oh! Thank you for kissing me on the cheek.

 

I know you didn't have to do...
You're very pretty! Good night!

 

MAN: (ON TV)...first used
roughly 4,000 years ago on Celtic chariots,

 

was, for the most part,
unchanged by man until the late 1800s.

 

Hi, I'm Bob: I'm the spokesperson
for The Coca-Cola Company.

 

I'm here today to ask you
to continue buying Coke.

 

I'm sure it's the drink
you've been drinking for years

 

and if you still enjoy it, well,
I'd like to remind you

 

to buy it again sometime soon.

 

It's basically just brown sugar water.

 

Haven't changed the ingredients much lately,

 

so there's nothing new
I can tell you about that.

 

Changed the can around a little bit, though.

 

You can see the colours are different there,

 

and we've added a polar bear,
so the kids like us.

 

Coke's very high in sugar,
and like any high-calorie soda,

 

it can lead to obesity in children and adults
who don't sustain a very healthy diet.

 

And that's it. It's Coke.
It's very famous: Everyone knows it.

 

I'm Bob: I work for Coke.
And I'm asking you to not stop buying Coke.

 

That's all.

 

(SLURPING)

 

It's a bit sweet.

 

Thank you.

 

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

 

Hold the elevator.

 

-Hey, Mark. How's it going?
-Hi, Frank. Not too well.

 

I went on a date last night with a girl
I've had a crush on for years,

 

and she'll most likely never call me again.

 

Oh, and I think I'm getting fired today.
How about you?

 

Oh, I'm not too great, actually.

 

I've been throwing up pain killers all night

 

because I'm too afraid to take enough
to actually kill myself, so...

 

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

 

See you tomorrow.

 

If I'm not dead, then sure.

 

-Good. That's settled, then.
-All right. Have a nice day.

 

MARK: Cheers.

 

This isn't natural!
None of this is natural! We're all animals!

 

Why am I wearing clothes?
How do you people live like this?

 

Why is there all this concrete?

 

I woke up this morning and realised,
not only do I not love you,

 

but also the thought
of sleeping with you sickens me.

 

That should make me not love you,
but it only makes me love you more.

 

(GROANS IN FRUSTRATION)

 

I just don't want to go in there today.
I just don't, you know?

 

All of Lecture Films' productions are written,
filmed and edited on this very lot.

 

In fact, this building is
where Lecture Films' talented writers

 

scour the world's past events
for the most dramatic,

 

entertaining and even hilarious moments
from world history,

 

which are then turned into scripts,
handed over to our world-famous readers

 

to read off of teleprompters
and then filmed for your viewing pleasure.

 

Now, if you'll just fol low me over here,
I will give you a sneak peek

 

of Lecture Films'
upcoming summer blockbuster,

 

Napoleon: 1812 to 1813.

 

MALE NARRATOR: Coming soon
from Lecture Films,

 

screenplay by Brad Kessler
and starring Nathan Goldfrappe,

 

Napoleon: 1812 to 1813.

 

And so Napoleon invaded Russia

 

with a brute force
of nearly 700,000 men behind him,

 

armed with muskets
and supported by cannon brigades.

 

Crippled by disease and hunger,

 

Napoleon's men persevered.

 

It was then that...

 

Oh, look, everyone.

 

There's Mark Bellison,
one of Lecture Films' very own screenwriters.

 

Mark is one of Lecture Films'
least successful screenwriters.

 

I also hear he's most likely
getting fired today.

 

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

 

Let's go to the editing bay, where we can
watch them put the final touches

 

on the upcoming Lecture Films feature,
The Invention of the Fork: Right this way.

 

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

 

Morning, Shelley.

 

Hi, Mark.

 

I realise more and more every day
how overqualified I am for this position

 

and how incompetent you are at yours.

 

Any messages?

 

Anthony is coming up with in the hour to see
if he can get up the courage to fire you.

 

If he can't, he said
that he'll definitely do it tomorrow.

 

Anything else?
Any messages not to do with being fired?

 

Well, I told everyone
you're getting fired this week

 

and they shouldn't expect
their calls returned,

 

so no one left any messages.

 

Okay. Next time...

 

I don't think there'll be a next time.

 

... take the message,
just in case I don't get fired.

 

You're almost definitely getting fired.

 

Yeah, but I'm still here now, so...

 

Seems like a waste of time.

 

No, it's not.

 

You're getting paid for it, so let's
take the message in case I don't get...

 

-But everyone knows that you are.
-Hasn't happened yet.

 

Okay. But everyone knows you are.

 

I'll be in the office, don't...

 

Okay.
I'll be searching for new jobs on Craigslist.

 

You should probably
just get on with your work.

 

SHELLEY: No, thank you!

 

Anthony?

 

Come in. What?

 

Come in.

 

Well, you look really depressed today.
That's gonna make this so much harder.

 

-Anthony, don't fire me.
-Oh, Mark.

 

The 1300s, they're so boring.

 

And the last two scripts
you turned in were depressing.

 

They were about the Black Plague.

 

It's the 1300s.
What am I meant to write about?

 

It's not totally your fault, Mark.
You got stuck with a tough century.

 

-No, no, I can make it work.
-Mark.

 

Just give it up.

 

Nothing new is gonna
have happened in the 1300s.

 

At Lecture Films, we just want to take
the big-name readers of the day

 

and have them read the stories
that people know and love.

 

I'm having...

 

Can I... Do you mind if I...

 

-I come back and do this tomorrow?
-Oh, well...

 

No, I just got nervous about firing you.
I just don't do well with confrontation.

 

Hey, maybe... Maybe if I just sleep on it.

 

Well, then I'll be thinking,
"Will he fire me, won't he fire me?"

 

-You're fired.
-I am fired, yeah? 'Cause I sort of...

 

Yeah. Oh, boy.

 

(COMPUTER CHIMES)

 

(SIGHS)

 

ANNA: Mark, I woke up this morning,
sober, and realised that,

 

while I did enjoy your company,

 

based on your looks, your financial situation
and your position in life,

 

I have no interest in you romantically.

 

I'm just too far out of your league: Anna.

 

(G ROAN IN G)

 

Is that 'cause you just got fired?

 

And 'cause I just got an e-mail
from a woman who...

 

Yeah, my favourite part was when she said
it was based on your looks.

 

You read my e-mail?

 

Yeah. Everyone's read it.

 

It's the best one you've had all year.

 

Not for me.

 

I'm gonna get a snack. Do you want a snack?

 

So?

 

I loathed almost every minute
that I worked for you.

 

So, what are you gonna do now?

 

I don't know.

 

But I don't hold out much hope for the future.

 

I don't have a lot of hope for you either,
but I wish you good luck.

 

-Bye, Mark.
-Bye, Shelley.

 

-Mark!
-Yeah?

 

-Do you mind if I talk to you for a second?
-No.

 

-I heard the news they were firing you, huh?
-Yeah.

 

-That must be hard.
-Yeah.

 

Well, I just wanted to say good bye,
and I've always hated you.

 

-You've always...
-Hated you.

 

-I didn't know that.
-Yeah, a lot of people knew it.

 

-What, you told other people you hated me?
-Yeah.

 

I even turned some people against you.

 

Is that why you came over to talk to me?
To tell me you hated me?

 

No, I came to say good bye to you,

 

and the rest of it
just sort of happened on its own.

 

Came out, yeah, sure.

 

I always knew that the Black Plague
would never work as a movie.

 

You're an awful writer,
assigned to an awful century.

 

And you're a little man-bitch.

 

(MOUTHING) Man-bitch.

 

But I've always been threatened by you

 

because there's something about you
that I don't understand,

 

and I hate things that I don't understand.

 

But you'll always be a loser.

 

And I'll always be more successful
than you in nearly every way,

 

and that's just the way it is.

 

Oh, and Shelley thinks
you're an overweight homosexual.

 

-No, I never said that.
-Thank you.

 

I said, "Fat faggot.

 

"Fatty, fat faggot. "

 

I stand corrected.

 

And I was upset with
"overweight homosexual. "

 

Doesn't matter.
Either way, you're a dumpy little queer.

 

(EXCLAIMS)

 

Mark, try to enjoy your loser life.

 

(EXHALES)

 

SHELLEY: He's awesome.

 

Well, no.

 

Your opinion. Bye, Shelley.

 

I look forward to never seeing you.

 

NURSE: Mrs Johnson,
you have got to take your medicine.

 

-Hi.
-Are you here to abandon an elderly person?

 

I already have. Martha Bellison, I'm her son.

 

Ooh, it's good you're here.
She's not doing well.

 

You should say your final good byes today.

 

Yeah. Someone says that to me
every time I come here.

 

She's at the top of our death pool.

 

You look like my dead son!

 

Each day is worse than the last.

 

I'm on pills that make everything orange!

 

(STATIC CRACKLING)

 

Oh, Mum, this is so depressing.
At least look out of the window.

 

Telly's broken.

 

It's not broken.

 

You probably sat on the remote
and changed the channel again.

 

Yeah, you have, look.

 

Gotta put it on channel three
for the satellite to work.

 

I don't understand anything you just said.

 

That makes me scared and angry.

 

(SIGHS)

 

Lost my job today, Mum.

 

I'm in my 40s,
and I'm alone with no prospects.

 

Things aren't much better for me here.
But could be worse.

 

We could be homeless.

 

Don't you wish you could change things?

 

Don't you wish you weren't such a loser?

 

Well, I don't think I'm a loser.

 

You are, Mum. Definitely.

 

We come from a long line of losers.
It's not your fault.

 

You're a...

 

A loser.

 

I love you, Mark.

 

I love you, too, Mum.

 

Good luck with finding a job, eh?

 

I'll go.

 

(INHALES DEEPLY)

 

(STATIC CRACKLING)

 

Oops.

 

(ALARM BEEPING)

 

MARK: Shut up!

 

Haven't even got a job.

 

(PO U N D IN G ON DOOR)

 

(SIGHS)

 

-Hi.
-I'm here for the rent.

 

Yeah, I was gonna come
and talk to you today. I got fired yesterday.

 

I know. That's why I'm here for the rent.

 

-Yeah, I haven't got it.
-How much do you have?

 

I got about $300 left in my ban k account.

 

-The rent's 800.
-I know. I haven't got that.

 

Then you're evicted.
You got one day to get your stuff out of here.

 

Well, how am I gonna do that?

 

You got $300. Rent a truck.

 

What can I do for you today, sir?

 

Just been evicted from my apartment.

 

So I have to withdraw whatever I've got
in my account to move my things out.

 

Think I have to close my account.

 

Probably gonna be homeless. Mark Bellison.

 

Unfortunately, sir,
the system is down right now,

 

so I'm not gonna be able to perform
an account closure until it's back up.

 

But I can help you with a withdrawal.
How much would you like to withdraw today?

 

-All of it. Whatever's left.
-The system is down, sir.

 

Can you tell me
how much is in your account?

 

Sir?

 

MARK: $800.

 

Sir?

 

-$800.
-Pardon me?

 

I have $800 in my account.

 

(COMPUTER CHIMES)

 

Oh! The system just came back up.

 

-System seems to be back up, guys.
-MAN: Thanks, J ill.

 

Just a second while I access your account.
You said you were withdrawing 800, correct?

 

Wait a second.

 

It says here that you only have
$300 in your account,

 

but you said you wanted to withdraw 800?

 

Yeah.

 

I apologise, sir.

 

It seems our system has made a mistake.
Let's get you your $800.

 

Did you want large bills or small?

 

-B ills, large.
-All right, here you go.

 

That's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, $800.

 

Is there anything else
I can do for you today, sir?

 

Uh-u h!

 

Sorry for the inconvenience.

 

(MUMBLES)

 

-What are you doing here?
-Paying my rent.

 

Come on!

 

(EXCLAIMING GLEEFULLY)

 

MARK: Today, I stumbled upon something
that no man has ever stumbled on before.

 

What I've done, they'll write about
in history books for generations to come.

 

And yet, moments ago, it was unfathomable,
not only to myself but to mankind as a whole.

 

It's hard to describe.

 

And it was as easy as...
How do I explain this?

 

I said something that wasn't.

 

Huh?

 

I said something that wasn't. I...

 

What's the word for it?
There is no word for it.

 

Of course there isn't. I invented it.

 

Watch this. Jim!

 

What?

 

My name is Doug.

 

-Your name is Doug?
-Hi, Doug.

 

That's so weird I never knew your real name.
Doug is good. It suits you.

 

Come on!

 

What's my name?

 

-It's Doug.
-Doug.

 

No, it's not! It's Mark!

 

-Your name is Mark?
-Hi, Mark.

 

-Mark suits you even better.
-Marko.

 

Okay, you're not getting it.

 

Marko.

 

-I'm black.
-I knew it.

 

You're very light-skinned, but I can see it.

 

-I always wanted a black friend.
-Me, too.

 

I'm an Eskimo.

 

Fantastic!

 

Yeah, I've never seen a black Eskimo.

 

I'm a pi rate.

 

-I didn't know they still had those.
-Are you a dangerous pi rate?

 

I'm a l ion tamer, and I'm wearing a wig.

 

Aren't you scared you'll get bitten one day?

 

That's a fantastic wig.

 

-I invented the bicycle.
-I love your work.

 

Can I get a discount on a ten-speed?

 

I'm a one-armed German space explorer.

 

When's your launch date?

 

(JIM GREETS IN GERMAN)

 

That's a very lifelike prosthetic.

 

This is incredible.

 

Come on, let's up the stakes a little bit.
Come on.

 

If you could make the world
the way you wanted it to be,

 

what would you do?

 

If you could change anything,
if you could do anything,

 

what's the first thing you'd do?

 

If I could do anything?

 

Anything at all?

 

Anything at all.

 

I would touch girls' boobs.

 

Yes.

 

And maybe have sex with them, too.

 

Oh, agreed. That, too.

 

Okay. Let's try that.

 

-Where are you going?
-Out.

 

Don't look at me. I'm not attracted to you.

 

-No, listen.
-Don't bother. I've heard it all before.

 

The world's gonna end
unless we have sex right now!

 

Do we have time to get to a motel,
or do we need to do it right here?

 

Motel.

 

WOMAN: Help me get my dress off.

 

Hold on, wait, wait.
Let's get to know each other first.

 

No! We have to have sex.
The world is going to end!

 

I don't even know your...

 

Think of the children!
Think of the little babies.

 

Let's have a drink.
You look like you'd like a...

 

-$10 for a beer. That is...
-Don't you understand?

 

-We are all going to die!
-This isn't right.

 

Well, of course this isn't right,
the world is going to end!

 

We have to have sex right now!

 

Oh, hold on. Hi, NASA. Yeah, it's me.

 

(EXCLAIMS QUESTIONINGLY)

 

I'll let her know. That is good news.

 

-Now.
-Thank you.

 

World's not gonna end. We don't have to...

 

-(GAS PS) We're gonna live!
-... sex.

 

We're gonna live!

 

Thank you! Oh, thank you!

 

-I've gotta go.
-Can't you stay?

 

We've been through so much together.

 

(DOOR CLOSES)

 

Well, that was one of
the worst experiences of my life.

 

Did you invent a new kind of bike?

 

What else would you do?
If you could do anything.

 

-Boob.
-No, we've done boobs.

 

What's the next thing you'd do?

 

-Eh?
-Well, what would you do?

 

I'd get money.

 

I'd get all the money.

 

Come on.

 

-Where are we going?
-On a trip.

 

I'll drive.

 

I shouldn't be d riving.

 

But I don't care. I'm trying to h it bottom.

 

(SIREN WAILING)

 

H ere comes bottom. Pull over.

 

Just stop.

 

All right, do me a favour.
Let me do the talking, okay?

 

GREG: I think I'm gonna puke.

 

MARK: Do not puke
in front of an officer of the law.

 

GREG: Don't tell me not to puke
'cause that'll make me puke more.

 

Hello, Officer. How are you?

 

Well, I'm relieved
you're not a couple of black guys.

 

There's a much higher probability
that I'd be jumpy,

 

shoot you without provocation,
and then I could lose my weapon.

 

That's good.

 

-I don't want to go to jail.
-He doesn't want to go to jail.

 

Have you been drinking
and operating this motor vehicle?

 

-Yeah, a lot of drink.
-Well, then you're probably going to jail.

 

I'm gonna need you
to breathe into this for me.

 

Officer, you don't need to do that.

 

I'm gonna say that,
judging by the look of this car,

 

you can't afford my bribe.

 

Why? How much do you charge?

 

5,400.

 

That's a lot.

 

That's too much, I think. Why so high?

 

I have an expensive cocaine habit.

 

But, you know, it's more than that.

 

I feel like when I set the price up higher,
it takes it out of the realm of petty crime

 

and helps me preserve
my sense of personal integrity.

 

Sort of feeling of self worth if you're... Yeah.

 

Well, it was nice chatting with you.

 

Anywho, I'm still gonna need you
to breathe into this for me.

 

You're gonna wanna blow, not suck there.

 

(SNORING)

 

(BEEPING)

 

Oh, yeah. That's pretty much off the chart.
You're drunk.

 

-You're going to jail. Step out of the vehicle.
-I don't want to.

 

Sir, I'm gonna ask you to exit the vehicle
one more time.

 

-Might as well.
-I can't.

 

All right! That's it! Get out of the car!
Come on out here! You're drunk!

 

-You should be ashamed of yourself!
-Officer.

 

I'm gonna think about this later.

 

-Officer. Listen, no, no, no!
-Sir, please get back in the car!

 

Listen to what I've got to say.

 

He's not drunk.

 

I've made a terrible mistake.

 

I do this sometimes. I get a little...

 

It's the adrenaline.

 

Well, actually, it arouses me.

 

Sexually?

 

-Oh, that...
-I'm so sorry.

 

Please. Please let me help you.

 

Can you forgive me? Did you eat something?
Is it food poisoning?

 

-You'll drive?
-MARK: Yeah. Good idea. Thank you.

 

Sorry.

 

(LAUGHING)

 

That was awesome.

 

-Stop laughing. I'm gonna be sick.
-You're gonna be fine.

 

Oh, good.

 

-Where are we going?
-To get rich.

 

(VOMITING)

 

What are we doing here?
We don't have any money to throw away.

 

We're not gonna throw it away.

 

-Good luck.
-MAN: Thank you.

 

-Hi.
-Hi.

 

Chips, please.

 

There's a very good chance
you'll lose all this money here tonight.

 

-I know.
-And even if you happen to win,

 

there's an even better chance that,
in the long run, we'll win it back.

 

-I know.
-Some of the games are fixed,

 

-like the ones that use computers.
-I know.

 

-Good luck.
-Thank you.

 

-Hi, guys.
-Hi.

 

If I could be a stripper, I would,
but I'm not attractive enough. Drinks?

 

We'll have two beers, and we'll take them
over there at the roulette table.

 

-Cheers.
-Come on,

 

roulette's the stupidest game of all.
It's all chance. There's no skill whatsoever.

 

It's all right, I'm feeling lucky.

 

-You've never had a lucky day in your life.
-Just watch.

 

CROUPIER: Get your bets in.
Get your bets in.

 

The house always wins in the long run.

 

Because of the zeroes on the board,

 

every bet is slightly favoured
towards the house.

 

35 black. No one wins.

 

Look at that u n usual thing, I've never...

 

It's gone now. I'm on 35 black, by the way.

 

We have a winner.

 

MAN: Good job!

 

CROUPIER: Congratulations, sir.

 

I just won the major jackpot on that machine,
but no money came out.

 

Oh, I'm sorry about that, sir.

 

Let me get that fixed for you.
And can I say congratulations, sir?

 

Thank you.

 

We've got a major winner here.
Would you open up the vault?

 

This is the most amazing night
of my entire life.

 

Think how amazing it would be
if you didn't smell of vomit.

 

I know.

 

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

 

Mark, how's it going?

 

Good.

 

Oh.

 

How's it going with you?

 

Pretty awful.

 

I was up last night
researching on the Internet,

 

like, suffocation suicide.

 

I think that's what I'm gonna do tonight.

 

Later.

 

Frank.

 

Yeah?

 

Don't do that.

 

Why? I mean...

 

You know, I'm miserable.
I don't think anyone would care.

 

I'll care.

 

But you're a loser,
which doesn't really count.

 

Things are gonna be okay.

 

They are?

 

Yeah. You're gonna meet someone.

 

You're gonna be happy.

 

I shouldn't kill myself?

 

Definitely not.

 

Okay, so I don't need to kill myself.

 

Wow! I thought...

 

I thought that like... That suffocation idea,

 

I thought that was like
a really good idea, you know?

 

It wasn't.

 

Wow!

 

My night's opened up.

 

Do you wanna hang out or something?

 

Oh, not really.

 

It's all right. It's okay.

 

No! Good idea.

 

Let's hang out. I'll see you tonight.

 

I'll see you tonight.

 

F RAN K: Cool, okay.

 

(SLOW POP MUSIC PLAYING)

 

(INAUDIBLE)

 

(INAUDIBLE)

 

(INAUDIBLE)

 

(INAUDIBLE)

 

(INAUDIBLE)

 

(INAUDIBLE)

 

(PHONE RINGING)

 

Hello, this is Anna.

 

Hi, it's Mark.

 

Oh! Hi, Mark. Didn't you get my e-mail?

 

The one about not being
good enough for you?

 

That's the one.

 

Yeah, got that, cheers.

 

Listen, the reason I'm calling is
I want to ask you out on another date.

 

Why would you do that?

 

Well, I found out I can pretty much
have my life the way I want it.

 

Congratulations! I gotta go.

 

No, wait.

 

Listen, I know you said you didn't wanna go
on another date with me, ever,

 

but I'm different now.
I think I'm in your league.

 

Are you better looking?

 

No. More powerful.
I think you have to see it for yourself.

 

Have you been to the gym?

 

No. I joined a gym, but just...
Things have changed for me.

 

I think you'll hardly recognise me.

 

Did you buy new clothes?

 

No. Sorry, can we just meet up? It'd be best.

 

You did admit yourself that,
you know, we got on.

 

If you had an okay time, then please say yes.

 

I'm just asking for
one teensy, weensy little date.

 

Okay, fine.

 

Fantastic.

 

I'll pick you up tomorrow, about 8:00?

 

Most likely, though, this will be our last date,
so just know that.

 

Yeah. Great.

 

Okay. Bye!

 

Bye!

 

Hang up, Mark.

 

Bye.

 

MALE NARRATOR.....proudly presents
The Industrial Revolution.

 

Hello, I'm Angelo Badsmith.

 

Come, watch me read
about the exciting events

 

that took place during
the Industrial Revolution,

 

written by the most beloved and esteemed
screenwriter of his generation,

 

Brad Kessler.

 

I don't think anyone can write
a better screenplay than Brad Kessler.

 

No?

 

BRAD: Hey!

 

Did you come to beg for your job back?

 

Everybody!!

 

That's the loser that thought
the Black Plague

 

would make an interesting film.

 

Hey! Good luck, douche bag.

 

-You can't go in there.
-I've got an appointment.

 

Oh, then go right in.

 

Talk to you later.

 

Hi. That was the head of the studio.

 

Why are you here?

 

Well, when you fired me,
I was seriously depressed.

 

-I knew it.
-But...

 

I went for a walk, right out of town.

 

And I came across a desert,
and I fell asleep under a tree, palm tree.

 

I don't do well
with other people's life-changing stories.

 

And then when I woke up,
I saw like a thing sticking out of the sand.

 

And I unearthed it,
and it was an ancient chest.

 

Really old. Seven hundred years old.

 

And in that chest was this.

 

What is it?

 

It's a never-before-heard event from history.

 

When does it take place?

 

1300s.

 

Oh, come on, no, Mark!

 

Mark, I've already told you,
we don't do Black Plague movies here!

 

It's not about the Black Plague!
It's not just about the Black Plague.

 

It's about... Can I just read it, please?

 

Get excited. Don't tap, get excited.

 

Get very excited,

 

because this is one of the best discoveries

 

man has ever discovered.

 

And you can be part of it.

 

Yes, but is there a movie there?

 

The greatest movie
Lecture Films has ever made.

 

Start reading.

 

"On the very first day of the 14th century,
a momentous occasion occurred.

 

"It began like any other day.
The sunrose, babies began to cry.

 

"But all of that was interrupted
when a giant, flying spaceship

 

"crashed down from the skies
and landed in the heart of Babylon. "

 

What?

 

Uh... Get everyone in here, right now.
We got a big one.

 

Oh, please, Mark, continue.

 

MARK: "The ninja army
unleashed a giant fireball

 

"and brought the robot dinosaur
to its knees, saving Mars, Earth

 

"and the nude Amazonian alien women,
all in one sweeping motion.

 

"The Earth was saved.

 

"Jebediah and Aleena were allowed to marry
by alien King Wanglor.

 

"It was to be the first h u man
nude Amazonian alien woman wedding,

 

"and no expense would be spared.

 

"All of Babylon and Mars were invited
to join the celebrations.

 

"The wedding was held
on a brisk summer's day on Mars.

 

"And all of the survivors
of the Great Ninja War

 

"and the Black Plague were present.

 

"They feasted and danced and laughed,
and it was a joyous occasion.

 

"The moment the bride and g room kissed,

 

"King Wanglor performed
a mind-wipe on all the humans,

 

"thereby erasing all knowledge
of these events for about 700 years,

 

"until one day,
a great writer by the name of Mark Bellison

 

"would stumble across them in the desert
after being fired by his crap boss, Anthony,

 

"and mocked by Brad and Shelley,
two huge douche bags.

 

"Lecture Films would go on to make
the picture, and it'd be a huge success.

 

"And Mark would become very wealthy
and famous from it. "

 

What are you gonna call this, Mark?

 

The Black Plague.

 

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

 

I want you to start immediately
'cause I think this could be

 

the best screen play ever written.

 

Oh, it will.

 

It will be the best screen play
ever written by anyone.

 

Well...

 

I guess congratulations
on selling your script today.

 

-Cheers.
-Cheers.

 

Tell me something about your family.
I don't know that much about you.

 

(MARK EXHALES)

 

We're sort of what you'd call u n lucky.

 

My dad was an alcoholic.

 

Sad.

 

Drinking got to a point where he lost his job,
and with a family to support,

 

he had no choice
but to turn to a life of crime.

 

What kind of crime?

 

Burglary. Houses, mainly.

 

What are you doing here?

 

It's Monday at noon.
You're not supposed to be at home now.

 

If you must know,
I'm incredibly stressed at work.

 

I've come home early.
I'm having a bit of me time.

 

More importantly, what are you doing?

 

Well, I was gonna rob your house.

 

I don't like that idea. Not a fan of that at all.

 

Well, I'm not gonna do it now
because you're in.

 

And do you know what's gonna happen?

 

I'm gonna call the police,
you're gonna be arrested.

 

Well, I'm just gonna leave,
and you don't know my name.

 

-What is your name?
-Richard Bellison.

 

(LAUGHING) Good to meet you.

 

You've got two options. Option one,
I send the police to your house, right?

 

Arrest you there,
embarrass you in front of your neighbours.

 

Or option two, you just come in
and wait for the police here.

 

-No, I'll wait.
-Yeah?

 

-Come on in then. Do you want a cup of tea?
-Yeah, that'd be great.

 

MARK: He spent the last years
of his life in jail.

 

I never really knew him.

 

But I've been blessed
with some luck as well in my life.

 

I had a wonderful mother who raised me.

 

-Oh, that's sweet.
-She's great.

 

Where is she?

 

At an old people's home.

 

But I'm gonna get her out of there tomorrow.

 

I'm gonna get her a mansion,

 

so she can spend
the rest of her life in luxury.

 

That's nice.

 

-Compliments from the chef.
-Thank you.

 

I don't know what's wrong with him today,
but these just look awful.

 

They look fine to me.

 

Well, you're stupid.

 

I was thinking.

 

Now I'm obviously rich and successful and...

 

Maybe I'm in your league
and that we could be together, romantically.

 

What would be the point?

 

We might enjoy it.

 

Well, I do like you
and I do enjoy your company.

 

And if we were to get together and procreate,

 

I would like the offspring
that are carrying half my genetic code

 

to be well taken care of, financially stable.

 

I also think you'd make a good father
and a good husband, which I like.

 

Fantastic.

 

Unfortunately, none of that changes the fact

 

that you'd still be contributing
half the genetic code to our children.

 

I don't want little fat kids with snub noses.

 

Sure.

 

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

 

Sorry.

 

Hello? S peaking.

 

She what?

 

Mum?

 

They just called me. What's going on?

 

They said I'm probably gonna die tonight.

 

What?

 

Hello, there.
I was just coming in to check on her.

 

You must be Martha's son.

 

What do you mean, she's gonna die tonight?

 

It does not look very good.
She suffered a major heart attack.

 

Her heart is very weak.
Her pulse is not very strong.

 

Her blood pressure is dropping rapidly,

 

and she will probably suffer
a fatal heart attack sometime tonight.

 

Yes. Still going to die.

 

Side note,

 

it's fajita night downstairs in the cafeteria,

 

so you might wanna grab yourself
a little bite down there after Mom dies.

 

Okay?

 

I'm so scared, Mark.

 

People don't talk about it,
but death is a horrible thing.

 

One minute, you're alive,

 

and then just like that, it's all gone.

 

This is it, Mark.

 

Few more hours like this and then

 

an eternity of nothingness.

 

(GASPS)

 

(MONITOR BEEPING)

 

Nurse!

 

Her vitals are dropping.

 

I'm so... I'm so frightened.

 

Oh, Mum.

 

Mum, listen to me.

 

Listen carefully.

 

You're wrong about
what happens after you die.

 

It's not an eternity of nothingness.

 

Huh?

 

You go to your favourite place
in the whole world.

 

Yeah. And everyone you've ever loved
and who's ever loved you will be there.

 

And you'll be young again.

 

You'll run and jump
like you used to and dance.

 

You used to dance.

 

There's no pain.

 

Just love.

 

Happiness.

 

And everyone gets a mansion.

 

And it lasts for an eternity. An eternity, Mum.

 

Say hello to Dad for me.

 

Tell him I love him.

 

-Go on.
-What else happens?

 

Mum.

 

I'm gonna see my mother again when I die.

 

Will you tell us more, please?

 

(MO N ITO R BEEPING)

 

(MONITOR FLAT-LINING)

 

(SOBS)

 

Hi.

 

Hi.

 

(CROWD CHATTERING)

 

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

 

There he is! That's him!

 

(CROWD CLAMOURING)

 

Is there only one place you go when you die?

 

Will everyone who has ever died be there?

 

What's this place called?

 

Will I get to have sex with people there?

 

Are there shopping malls?

 

What about smoking?
Can we smoke up there?

 

(PHONE RINGING)

 

Hi.

 

They're saying you know something different
about what happens after you die.

 

Twenty four hours ago, Mark Bellison
was just your typical nobody writer.

 

Today, people are saying
he has new information

 

about what happens after you die.

 

Oh, this is bad.

 

I just need to get... I know, I'm sorry.
Pardon me. Pardon me, please.

 

Oopsie! Excuse me. Um, oh, excuse me.

 

(CHUCKLES)

 

Quick.

 

Come in.

 

Yeah.

 

Just tell me what you told your mom.

 

I don't think I should. Anything can happen.

 

I've got to keep my mouth shut from now on.
Why did I...

 

Whatever you said
obviously affected a lot of people.

 

I mean, I don't think you have
the choice to keep it in.

 

Yes, I do. I could walk out that door now.

 

I could get on the first plane to Namibia.
No one knows me there.

 

Just tell me what you said, Mark.
Please, just tell me.

 

My mum was dying, she was scared,
she was shaking all over,

 

and she said she didn't want to
just enter a world of nothingness.

 

So I said, "You're wrong about what happens
after you die. "

 

And I told her, I said,

 

"It's not a world of nothingness.

 

"You go to the best place ever,
where all your friends are

 

"and you have an eternity of joy. "

 

I made her happy.

 

How do you know these things?

 

Well, I...

 

Oh, that makes me happy.

 

You have to tell them everything you know.
You have to. It's too big.

 

Listen to me, you don't understand.
The things I told my mum...

 

Didn't you say that it made her happy
to hear them?

 

-Yes.
-And how did that make you feel?

 

-Good.
-So imagine how it would feel

 

to do the same for all of these people.

 

Uh, okay.

 

I need some time.

 

You sure I should do this?

 

Of course you should.

 

Mark, what you know
is gonna change man kind forever.

 

It's the most important thing
the world has ever heard.

 

I'll let you work.

 

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

 

MARK: Come in.

 

I brought pizza.

 

How come you never told me
we all get mansions?

 

-Uh, I didn't...
-Just let him keep working.

 

It's one thing that you invented
the bicycle, but...

 

Just keep working, don't worry about...

 

I've known him for a long time,
and he never told me that.

 

-I got plain, and I got...
-That's good.

 

I got another plain.

 

MALE REPORTER: In London, England,
they wait.

 

In Rome, Italy, they wait.
In New York City, they wait.

 

The world has come to a standstill,

 

with everyone
at their televisions and radios,

 

or here on this lawn,

 

waiting for Mark Bellison to come forth
and tell the people what he knows.

 

Oh!

 

Hi.

 

I've finished.

 

Are you ready?

 

-I guess so.
-Oh.

 

I wish I had something better
to put these on, though, like tablets.

 

Or just even better paper.

 

-That feels better.
-Good.

 

SHELLEY: Just...

 

Just tell them what you know.

 

-GREG: Good luck out there, man.
-Cheers.

 

REPORTER: Twenty four hours ago,

 

Mark Bellison was just
your typical nobody writer.

 

Today, people are saying
he has new information

 

about what happens after you die.

 

ANNA: Sorry.

 

I guess

 

you heard about the stuff
that I told my mum the other night.

 

That's why you're here.

 

I know some things,
some very important things

 

about what happens to you after you die.

 

Everything you need to know

 

is written on these pizza boxes.

 

"Number one,

 

"there is a man in the sky
who controls everything.

 

-"Number two... "
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

 

What does he look like?

 

Uh, tall, big hands for making stuff.
Good head of hair.

 

What ethnicity is he?

 

Uh, he's a new type of ethnicity.

 

He's a mixture of all our ethnicities.

 

-Does he live in the clouds?
-No.

 

-Can we see him?
-MARK: No.

 

He lives higher than the clouds,
too high to see him.

 

-So he lives in space.
-Not that high.

 

So then the thermosphere?

 

MARK: Sorry, people. I've got a lot
to get through here. Can we just...

 

Man lives in the sky, you can't see him.
He controls everything. Cool?

 

Good. "Number two,

 

"when you die, you don't disappear
into an eternity of nothingness.

 

"Instead, you go to a really great place. "

 

(CROWD EXCLAIMING APPROVINGLY)

 

MARK: "Number three,

 

"in that place, everyone will get a mansion. "

 

(CROWD LAUGHING)

 

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

 

-What kind of mansion?
-The best mansion you could think of.

 

Ah, I was thinking of a horrible mansion!

 

Well, no.

 

It's the best mansion you could ever think of.

 

Not the one you're thinking of
right now, but ever.

 

Whatever the best mansion is you'd like,
that's the one you're gonna get.

 

(CLEARING THROAT) "Number four,

 

"when you die,
all the people you love will be there. "

 

Will they have their own mansions?

 

Yeah. Of course. Everyone gets a mansion.

 

What if I want them to live in my mansion?

 

Well, that's fine. They'll leave their mansion.
They'll come and live with you, won't they?

 

-What happens to their mansion?
-I don't know. It goes back on the market.

 

Can we... "Number five,

 

(SIGHS)

 

"when you die, there will be free ice cream
for everyone.

 

"All day and all night,
whatever flavours you can think of. "

 

-Even bad flavours?
-Why would you think of bad flavours?

 

You just said every flavour I could think of.

 

Oh, no. I just thought of vanilla and skunks.

 

Well, don't eat that, then.

 

I just thought
that chocolate sauce was diarrhoea.

 

Don't put that on the ice cream, then!
What is the matter with you people?

 

Can we... Please. "Number six,

 

"if you do bad things, you won't get to go
to this great place when you die. "

 

Where will you go?

 

A terrible place, the worst place imaginable.

 

What constitutes a bad thing?

 

Awful crimes, rape, murder, things like that.

 

-Is punching someone bad?
-Yes.

 

-What if they're trying to hurt you?
-Well, then it's fine.

 

-Is cursing bad?
-No.

 

-What about being late for work?
-MARK: No, that's...

 

I mean, you might lose your job
if the boss doesn't like it,

 

but it won't affect what happens
to you after you die.

 

What about if you forget to feed your dog?

 

MARK: Well, then, if you forget,
I mean, it's bad for the dog.

 

If the dog dies, it's bad, but it's not...
I mean, don't do it on purpose.

 

Don't buy a dog just to starve it
for a laugh, but... Can we...

 

If I do just one bad thing,
do I go to the bad place?

 

No!

 

You get three chances.

 

Three bad things and you're out.

 

Like baseball!

 

(CROWD EXCLAIMS)

 

Sort of. So, anything else?

 

ALL: Yeah!

 

-Oh, please, can we just move on?
-MAN: No!

 

We have to know everything that's bad.

 

CROWD: Yeah.

 

(ALL CLAMOURING)

 

Fine.

 

Is it bad to wear pants?

 

Oh. What the...

 

No. There is no hairstyle
that can put you in the bad place.

 

We've been through this.

 

The main ones are things like hurting people
physically, on purpose, okay?

 

Taking their stuff, doing things
to people they don't want done,

 

murdering people on purpose.

 

Okay. "Number nine,

 

"the man in the sky who controls everything

 

"decides if you go to the good place
or the bad place.

 

"He also decides who lives and who dies. "

 

-Does he cause natural disasters?
-Yes.

 

-Did he cause my mom to get cancer?
-Yes.

 

Did he cause that tree to land
on my car last week?

 

-Yeah.
-Did he kill my dad with that heart attack?

 

Yeah.

 

(CROWD EXCLAIMING IN DISAPPOINTMENT)

 

I say fuck the man that lives in the sky!

 

(CROWD CHEERING)

 

Yeah, that guy's evil!

 

That guy's a coward, hiding up there
doing bad things to us.

 

Why doesn't he do it to our faces?

 

We have to stop that evil bastard
before he kills us all!

 

(CROWD CHEERING)

 

MARK: Wait, wait, listen.

 

The man who lives in the sky
and controls everything

 

is also responsible for
all the good stuff that happens.

 

(CROWD EXCLAIMING APPROVINGLY)

 

He's the guy that saved my life
on that fishing trip when the boat capsized?

 

-Yes.
-Did he capsize the boat?

 

Yeah.

 

He killed my grand mother
and left me those millions of dollars?

 

You bet yeah.

 

So, he's the one
who cured my mom's cancer?

 

Yeah.

 

So, he's kind of a good guy,
but he's also kind of a prick, too.

 

Yeah. Right, but check this out, okay?

 

"Number ten, even if the man in the sky
does bad stuff to you,

 

"he makes up for it by giving you
an eternity of good stuff after you die. "

 

(CROWD EXCLAIMING IN SATISFACTION)

 

As long as you don't do any of that
bad stuff that you mentioned, right?

 

-Yeah, of course.
-So it's kind of a test.

 

Yeah.

 

Well, that's everything I know.

 

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

 

How do you know all these things?

 

Because the man in the sky told me.

 

Yeah, well, how come we're just finding out
about these things now,

 

millions of years into our existence?

 

(SOFTLY) I don't know. He forgot.
Got... Seen all the stuff he does?

 

Thank you.

 

(CROWD CLAMOURING)

 

Think that went well.

 

(CHEERFUL POP MUSIC PLAYING)

 

(INAUDIBLE)

 

(INAUDIBLE)

 

(INAUDIBLE)

 

Cheers, cheers.

 

(CROWD CLAMOURING)

 

(FANS CHEERING)

 

-Cheers.
-Cheers.

 

Did I ever tell you about the time
I saved a baby from a burning building

 

and there was a bear, and...

 

Wait, there was a burning building
and a bear?

 

Yeah, well, I heard a baby crying
and so I ran in there through the flames,

 

not caring about my own safety,
got the baby, jumped out.

 

It was the second storey, jumped out.

 

(MIMICS THUD)

 

I landed, baby safe. But then this bear...

 

-Wait, how did you survive?
-Well, let me tell you.

 

No, how did you survive the jump?

 

I've seen you twist your ankle
crossing the street.

 

Because on this occasion
I landed in something soft.

 

-Oh.
-So...

 

What did you land in?

 

-Jam.
-Jam.

 

It was a barrel of jam.
It was a jam factory on fire.

 

Probably what attracted the bear
in the first place.

 

-Right.
-You haven't heard of that?

 

The burning building, baby,
bear, factory, jam incident?

 

Shoot, no.

 

Yeah, classic. So, I land.

 

This bear is coming toward,
big, lumbering, eating machine

 

like that happy chap over there.

 

-What, sleeping, ugly fatty?
-Well...

 

-He's not happy.
-Well, how do you know?

 

What do you mean?
Look at him. He's a loser.

 

MARK: You can't tell that
from just looking at the guy.

 

He could be the world's greatest poet.

 

Well, he probably is a loser. Bad example.

 

But I'm saying, it doesn't have to be,
just by...

 

Okay. What do you see
when you see this fellow here?

 

ANNA: Short, sweaty, bald guy.

 

-Right.
-Hi!

 

MARK: He's carrying a briefcase.
He's in a hurry.

 

He's probably off to
a really important meeting.

 

He's probably a high-powered businessman.

 

You see more than I do.

 

Well, because, if you look...

 

What do you see when you see those guys?

 

ANNA: Mmm...

 

Two nerdy losers in hats?

 

Yeah. Good. Good observational skills.

 

But what I mean is, look beyond
just their appearance and look at them.

 

They're holding hands. They're in love.

 

Hey, do me.

 

I mean, just what do you see?
What do you see in me?

 

You're pretty.

 

You've got a wonderful smile.

 

-Well, that's what everyone sees.
-I wasn't finished.

 

You're the sweetest,
most caring person I know.

 

And you've got a freckle there
I've never told you about how much I love.

 

You usually smile,

 

but sometimes you spend your day in bed,
eating and crying.

 

You'll hold someone's hand
after their mum...

 

You're the most wonderful person
I've ever met.

 

What do you see when you look at me?

 

You're chubby and you have a snub nose.

 

Yeah. That's about it.

 

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

 

You're smart.

 

You're kind.

 

You're the sweetest man I've ever met.

 

You are definitely
the most interesting person I know.

 

And you are fun to be with.

 

And you see the world in a way
that nobody else sees the world,

 

and I like the way you see the world.

 

And you're my best friend.

 

You make me happier
than anyone I've ever known.

 

-Why can't we be together, then?
-Because of the whole genetics thing.

 

Little fat kids with snub noses.

 

It's a shame that being rich and famous
doesn't change your genetics.

 

Because I love you.

 

Does being rich and famous
change your genetic material?

 

No.

 

It doesn't. O u r kids would be
little fat things with snub noses.

 

BOB: (ON RADIO) Thanks for that, Jim.
Next up, Mark Bellison.

 

Does he deserve all the money and fame

 

or is he just some fat loser
who hears things from the man in the sky?

 

JIM: I say fat loser, Bob.

 

BOB: It's as simple as this, Jim.
Just look at the guy.

 

He's fat, he's stupid-looking.
What else do you need to know?

 

JIM: And what about the hundreds of people
camping out on his lawn?

 

I mean, don't those people have jobs?

 

BOB: Maybe they're all fat losers like him.

 

(BOTH LAUGHING)

 

JIM: Stay tuned, we got weather in five.

 

(DOOR OPENS)

 

And then write, "The duck flew all the way
to Alaska to meet up

 

(DOOR CLOSES)

 

"with his friend
who was a polar bear who lived there. "

 

-"And the polar bear... "
-ANNA: How many of these have you had?

 

Doesn't matter. Uh... "The end. "

 

-That's a strange ending.
-It is, isn't it?

 

And you want me to take this over
to Lecture Films?

 

-Yeah.
-ASSISTANT: Okay.

 

Tell them to film that one this week.

 

Okay.

 

Tell them it's for kids.

 

Kids will love that, won't they?

 

Bears and ducks in cars.

 

-What's that?
-It's a birthday card for you.

 

-You want it?
-Thank you.

 

Oh, I came to tell you
that I can't watch a movie with you tonight.

 

-Why not?
-'Cause I have a date.

 

Who with?

 

-Brad Kessler.
-Brad Kessler?

 

You know what I think of him.
I think he is the world's biggest douche bag.

 

-To you. Not to me.
-Yes.

 

He's very sweet and kind to me.

 

Well, of course he is. Look at you!
A shark would be sweet and kind to you.

 

-It would?
-No, it wouldn't.

 

Do not get in with a shark.
It will just... I was just...

 

-But don't go out with him.
-Why not?

 

-Well, he's an excel lent match for me.
-Well, don't sleep with him.

 

-Why not?
-What? You were going to?

 

If I don't sleep with him,

 

then he'll find another acceptable mate
who would sleep with him.

 

-Then I'll miss out.
-No, he won't.

 

-Yes.
-No, no, no, no, no, no.

 

You haven't thought this through.

 

Because if I was going out
on a date with you...

 

And if you were attractive, like Brad.

 

Yes. Well, why...

 

But I would... I would lose respect for you...

 

-Huh?
-... if you slept with me on the first date.

 

I would because I...

 

Just chat, just talk to him, sure.

 

But, listen, do not, whatever...

 

Let him know
what a wonderful person you are just by...

 

Verbally, not with... Because he will then go,

 

"Oh, I... I want to date her...
I want a second date. "

 

Do not...

 

Do not have sex with anyone
unless you are married to them

 

is the rule.

 

Settled.

 

-Okay.
-Good.

 

What's this?

 

Birthday coupon for sex.

 

(STAMMERING)

 

It's a coupon for birthday sex.
So it's sex with you 'cause it's my birthday?

 

What do you get the man
who has everything?

 

(CHUCKLES)

 

-Sorry.
-Forget about it now. Sorry, I didn't know.

 

-No, no, no, stop.
-We're not married.

 

Which is what you just said.

 

(IMITATING MARK) Do not sleep with anyone
unless you're married to them.

 

That's what I said. But hold on, though.
What about the coupon?

 

-The rule is...
-Yes, I know what the rule is.

 

So we can't...

 

The coupon, it's just such a...

 

-Rule.
-Such a shame to waste it.

 

-But, I mean, you know...
-It's too bad.

 

(STUTTERING) It is, it is.

 

Now I can't redeem sex with this.

 

So you'd like what?
What am I gonna get you now?

 

(CHUCKLES) Can't have sex with you.

 

You probably just prefer socks, right?

 

Yeah. Shitty little woollen ones,
instead of sex.

 

BRAD: Hello?

 

Oh, he's coming.

 

Well, why have you invited him here?

 

I didn't. It was his idea.

 

I bet it was. It's my house.

 

-Anna.
-You are so handsome.

 

BRAD: I know.

 

-Mark. You look like trash.
-Oh, your opinion.

 

Let's go have some fun.

 

-Not too much.
-Hey! What are you doing with that?

 

That is a coupon for birthday sex.

 

-With you?
-Yes.

 

But he doesn't want it
because we're not married.

 

-He'd rather have a pair of socks, right?
-BRAD: Can I have it?

 

Oh, sure. Of course,
we'll have to get married to use it.

 

Well, maybe we just will.

 

Well, don't... I'm not happy for that. What...

 

I'll call you later.

 

(SIGHS)

 

(DOOR CLOSES)

 

-I thought we'd celebrate tonight.
-Hmm.

 

Today I was handed
a very impressive promotion.

 

Not only am I the head writer
of the coveted first century,

 

but today I was handed the reins
to the 18th, 19th, and 20th centuries.

 

-Oh, that is exciting.
-It's very, very exciting.

 

No other writer's ever had
that many centuries,

 

let alone four of the most popular ones.

 

Mark's never had more than one century.

 

Mark also has the man in the sky

 

telling him stories
no one's ever heard before.

 

Yes, but does he look like this?

 

Does he have my genetics?
My confidence? My charisma?

 

-No.
-BRAD: No.

 

I'm gonna send that bottle back.

 

Not because it's turned, but because
I want to appear discerning and powerful.

 

Yes, sir.

 

Also, I think we're ready to order.

 

She will have the small Caesar salad
because I don't want her to get fat.

 

And I will have the fillet, rare,
because it's expensive,

 

it tastes good, and I'm important.

 

Excel lent.

 

I understand why you want me to have
the small Caesar salad, but I am very hungry.

 

-Maybe we could add some chicken.
-BRAD: No, no, no, no, no.

 

We both know that one day
you're going to lose your looks.

 

You know, get old, wrinkly, ugly.

 

Why throw a weight problem on top of it
with delicious, fatty chicken?

 

Of course not.

 

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

 

Oh, I'm sorry. That must be my mom
calling to check on our date.

 

She's very control ling and impatient.

 

Let me talk to her.

 

(STUTTERING) Okay.

 

(CLEARS THROAT)

 

Anna's mom, you're on with Brad Kessler.

 

-Yes, your daughter looks beautiful.
-Ah!

 

No, she hasn't blown it by boring me.

 

Okay, you're annoying me now.

 

Your voice is shrill. Good bye.

 

Sorry.

 

Thank you.

 

Mmm!

 

You know, you are
a near perfect match for me,

 

physically, genetically,
socially, economically.

 

I agree.

 

And a large part of me just wants to bag you

 

because Mark's in love with you
and I enjoy watching him fail.

 

Why do you hate Mark so much?
He's a really good friend of mine.

 

Because he's a loser.

 

I'm the one who should be living in
a mansion and talking to the man in the sky.

 

But I can have the one thing that he can't.

 

-You.
-Ah!

 

Because you are sensible.

 

You want to marry a strong genetic match

 

and maybe one day
have children that aren't...

 

Little fat kids with snub noses.

 

Exactly.

 

Exactly. Yeah.

 

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)

 

MAN: The man in the sky,
in his infinite wisdom,

 

has told us that we can do two bad things
and still get into our mansion.

 

So I say to you...

 

No. I won't move into your mansion with you
when we die. You're really smothering me.

 

The more you push me away,
the more attracted I am to you.

 

Out of the way, fatty!

 

Hey, you're Mark Bellison.

 

Yeah. You gonna apologise?

 

For what?

 

-Who wants another drink?
-Yeah, please.

 

I'll take one.

 

Thanks.

 

What's going on?

 

What, I can't be depressed

 

'cause I've got a big house
and loads of money?

 

What about you guys?
Are you happier, at least?

 

Since the man in the sky?

 

-Yeah, definitely.
-Very happy.

 

Are you still lonely?
Have you found someone yet?

 

-Uh, no, I kind of gave up on that.
-Why?

 

Well, because I was thinking
that if I get eternal happiness when I die,

 

that'll be really great because it's eternal,

 

you know, so you can't really beat that.

 

So I'm just really happy
that that's gonna happen.

 

So until then I think
I'm just gonna stick with the alcohol

 

and my little apartment and just kind of
hang out by myself and drink and watch TV.

 

That doesn't sound like a happy life.
That sounds like a long, miserable one.

 

Well, no, it won't be that long,
because the more I drink, the faster I'll die.

 

And I'm just waiting for that mansion,
you know?

 

That's what I'm talking about.

 

Brilliant.

 

INTERVIEWER: You call him on the phone,
on a telephone?

 

No, I just...He's speaking to me now.

 

-Is he saying something?
-He is, yeah.

 

Well, would you please tell us
what he's saying?

 

He's saying,
"Why are you speaking to that idiot? "

 

And I'm saying back,
"I'll give him a chance..."

 

There's got to be something better on TV
than this.

 

Oh, wait, Mom, don't change it.
That's my very good friend.

 

Oh, please. I know all your friends,
and they're nothing like that.

 

What's that supposed to mean?

 

It means just because
he's talking to the man in the sky

 

doesn't make him good enough
to be your friend.

 

What if I wanted him to be
more than just my friend?

 

Man in the sky forbid.

 

It would make no sense.

 

Mark Bellison is who the man in the sky
chose to speak through,

 

but that doesn't change the fact
that he's still a loser

 

and your kids would be, too.

 

-Well, he is more than just that.
-There's nothing more than that.

 

Losers are losers. That's all they'll ever be.

 

He is...

 

He's smart, he's funny,
and he's kind, and he is loving.

 

And he makes me feel special.
He makes me happy.

 

You are going to be
with the person who's right for you,

 

the person who'll give you
the kids you've always wanted.

 

Someone like Brad Kessler.

 

Hello, Brad. One moment.

 

-S peak to him. Don't blow this.
-(WHISPERING) Mom!

 

Hello.

 

Hi, Brad.

 

MARK: I miss you, Mum.

 

I know you can't hear me.

 

I know you're not up there in a mansion.

 

You're right here in the ground.

 

And I'm the only person in the world
who knows that.

 

And I'm not happy.

 

I did all this, but...

 

I'm not happy because

 

no one listens to what they really want.

 

That's why I'll always be a loser.

 

That's why I'll always be alone.

 

(DOORBELL RINGS)

 

(MARK GROANS)

 

Mark.

 

You look awful.

 

Can I come in?

 

-Haven't seen you much lately.
-Yeah, I know.

 

I've been busy with work and things and...

 

Also, I tried calling you
and you never answer your phone.

 

-Did you know I was getting married?
-Yeah, I heard.

 

That's why I came over here, actually.
I wanted to give you this invitation.

 

Don't do it.

 

The wedding is tomorrow.

 

Please, don't marry him.

 

-I hope you'll come.
-(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Why?

 

Because it would make me happy.

 

Being around you makes me happy.

 

Then why are you marrying him?

 

I only have a certain amount of time
that I can find my ideal genetic partner,

 

have the children that I've always wanted.

 

You know that.

 

One day, Mark,

 

I'll be wrinkly and old, ugly.

 

No, you won't. Not to me.

 

You'll never be ugly.

 

You're confusing me.

 

-Please take this.
-Have a nice life.

 

(SOBS)

 

BOY: Enjoying your ice cream,
you fat loser?

 

(LAUGHING)

 

(BOYS LAUGHING)

 

Stop that!

 

It's okay. Forget about them.

 

What's your name?

 

Short Fat Brian.

 

Well, Brian.

 

You are so much more
than just short and fat.

 

See? You're Brian with the Great Smile.

 

Thanks.

 

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

 

GREG: Ow!

 

Greg!

 

GREG: Sorry!

 

Keep the noise down.

 

Fat, ginger...

 

(PLASTIC RUSTLING)

 

Shut up!

 

You haven't lost yet, man.

 

(CHURCH BELL TOLLING)

 

BRAD: Ah!

 

(ORGAN PLAYING)

 

Loser.

 

We are here today,
sitting in this building,

 

to share in the wedding
of Brad and Anna,

 

two attractive young people

 

who have come to the conclusion
that this wedding will be mutually beneficial,

 

that their genetic match-up will be
most likely to produce favourable offspring

 

and a lifetime of financial stability
and physical security.

 

Brad, do you agree to stay with Anna
for as long as you want to

 

and to protect your offspring
for as long as you can?

 

I do.

 

And Anna, do you agree to stay with Brad
for as long as you want to

 

and to protect your offspring
for as long as you can?

 

I do.

 

Before I pronounce these two man and wife,
is there anyone here in this building

 

who believes they offer
a better genetic match-up to either party?

 

Me.

 

(GUESTS MURMURING)

 

Oh, come on, Mark.

 

I mean, look at you.
How can you possibly be better than me?

 

Because she's happy with me.

 

If she were happy with you,
what is she doing standing up here with me?

 

She thinks her kids deserve
the best possible start in life.

 

And she's right.

 

Yeah. And do you know
what that makes you?

 

You're a sperm donor.

 

(CHUCKLING)

 

(GUESTS MURMURING)

 

She's my best friend.

 

I thought I was your best friend.

 

Not now. Let's...

 

And I love her.

 

Don't do this.

 

Don't do it.

 

Is this what you really want?

 

It's the way of the world, Mark.

 

Why? Why does it have to be?

 

Who says your kids will be better than mine?

 

Who says that a strong jawline or
a fast metabolism or a muscular physique...

 

He's also taller.

 

No, I know, but I'm just...

 

Please, man, I...

 

Who says those traits will make your kids
better than mine, or happier?

 

I'll love our children.

 

And who says you'll make a better husband

 

just because you come from
a more privileged family

 

or a better genetic line?

 

(SIGHS)

 

She's a prize on your arm.
And your kids will be, too.

 

Anna.

 

If you tell me this is what you really want,
I'll go.

 

Is this what you really want?

 

Well, now, it's not up to us
to decide what we get in life.

 

-That's up to the man in the sky.
-I'm talking to her.

 

Why don't you just ask the man in the sky
what he wants for Anna?

 

-Surely he knows best.
-She knows what's best.

 

Just tell her
what the man in the sky wants, Mark.

 

Why don't you tell me
what the man in the sky wants for us, Mark?

 

Just please tell me.

 

(SCOFFS)

 

No.

 

(GUESTS MURMURING)

 

(SIGHS)

 

Are we married yet?

 

-Because I have plans later.
-There's a few...

 

ANNA: Mark, wait!

 

Why don't you just tell me
what the man in the sky wants?

 

-I did a bad thing.
-It's okay.

 

-You're allowed three.
-No, you don't understand.

 

There is no man in the sky.

 

Why did you say there was?

 

I couldn't stand the look on my mum's face
when she was dying.

 

And things just escalated.

 

But how did you say something that wasn't?

 

I don't know, I just did. I just can.

 

But when I asked you if being rich

 

and successful and famous
changed your genetics,

 

why didn't you just say yes?

 

'Cause it wouldn't count.

 

Mark.

 

I know what I want.

 

(SIGHS)

 

I want little fat kids with snub noses.

 

I'm your man.

 

MARK: So that's it. I got the girl.

 

Anna and I are very happy together,
by the way.

 

She still doesn't fully understand
how I said or did all those things.

 

No one does.
I'm still the only person who can tell a lie.

 

Actually, that's not entirely true.

 

What do you think?

 

That looks good.

 

It tastes so good, Mommy.

 

-Your best yet.
-I'm so glad you like it.

 

Huh? Oh.

 

I don't know where to start.

 

Just start on the bread, maybe,
then work my way up there.

 

You eat that. You liked it so much.
Why don't you eat some more?

 

You eat that. You liked it so much.
Why don't you eat some more?